Everyone has expectations for the family they want, or see themselves having. My dream was like many I’m sure, I wanted your typical all American tight knit family. I pictured my family laughing and sharing the day’s events at the dinner table as we ate. I grew up doing that, and if we hadn’t, my parents would […]


When most people think of their child’s “firsts”, they think of them crawling for the first time, walking, or saying their first words. Seeing Crue hit milestones his brother never had the chance to hit has been amazing to watch. The firsts that have been monumental to me would be rather normal, everyday things for […]


Well, people showed up! To be exact,over 800 people showed up from 48  different cities! As people started flooding the gym for Nash’s second birthday, I found my tears hard to hold back. This year, I had more time to just sit back and take it all in. To look around and see people celebrating […]

My world

I could have written a hundred blog entries about these last seven months, describing every high and every low that I have experienced as a grieving mother caring for her new baby…and there have been many highs and lows. In short though, I’ve been too busy living, too busy pouring what’s left of me into […]

What’s in a name?

Finding a name for our rainbow baby was unbelievably hard. I had the name Nash picked out since I was a teenager. I always loved it. Gregory, his middle name, was chosen in honor of Todd’s dad. Nash, after all, was his first and only grandson until now. I loved the way it sounded, Nash […]

Loving Crue 

Holding Crue in my arms is one of the most painful, yet healing, experiences of my life. I’m literally on an emotional roller coaster. I can stare at his little chubby face for hours and I feel so incredibly blessed to do this again; to be someone’s mommy. To me there is nothing better. To […]

Crue’s birthday

I never wanted a c-section with Nash. To me, the thought of surgery was scarier than actual labor. My doctor knew this and made sure there was no other option before she told me we needed to go that route. You can’t help but feel like you failed in some way when you can’t have […]

Rainbows of hope 

If you couldn’t tell from my last two blog entries, I was in a complete state of panic, anxiety, and fear when I wrote them. Trying to deal with the feelings of my unknown future. I think what pushed me into that state of panic was seeing my friend Leslie have her rainbow baby, Alyse. […]

What helps

In most of my blogs, I talk about what not to do, what’s hard on me. I’ve got people walking on eggshells and that’s the last thing I want. I’m writing this to let people know what does help. What I find comforting. Keep in mind that not all people grieve the same way, so […]

October 9, 2014

I get more texts and calls on the ninth of every month than any other day. Especially from family. I see their texts and Facebook posts as the day approaches and how sad they are getting. This is a difficult day for them. I think they expect it to be a hard day for us, […]