Most of us spend our days wishing time would slow down. If we could only hit the pause button on our lives then we could enjoy it even more, have that much more time with the people we love. I know first hand not only does time not slow down, but it will run you over like a freight train. It doesn’t stop for anything, not even your broken heart. I feel this frustration (that word doesn’t even cover it) that if I could just rewind my life, make different decisions, taken Nash to a different daycare, not dropped him off that day, he would still be here. I daydream about birthday parties and holidays that I will never celebrate with him. I envision Crue with an older brother barely a year older than him. I picture them playing, hugging, fighting and loving each other. I see pictures of other families, families with brothers, and I let my mind picture what could have been, what SHOULD have been. I miss a chaos I have never even experienced. I miss a time in my life that has never existed. Every day Crue grows a day older, and everyday is one more day that Nash has been gone. Time is a funny thing. I look at Crue and I’m so thankful that I get to celebrate these things with him, things I didn’t get with Nash; yet, the other part of me wants more time. Everything is going by so fast and I want him to stay my little boy forever. Sometimes I cry just thinking about the days he will no longer scream momma and run to give me a kiss. The days I am no longer the cool person to hang out with. A day when I am no longer his person. His everything.
This year has been eye opening. I spent nearly a complete year feeling unwell. I know what’s it’s like to realize how nice it is to wake up everyday and just feel good. I’ve had friends diagnosed with incurable diseases. I’ve watched them suffer and come to terms with their new normal. I’ve had family diagnosed with terminal cancer. Young people robbed of the future they so desperately want and deserve. I’ve seen other moms suffer the same fate as me, the loss of their child. It makes you take stock of the here and now. As much as we want time to slow down or wish we could be twenty again, the truth is, aging is a gift we are not all blessed with. Every year that passes, is one more year we get with our loved ones. One more year on this earth to enjoy all that it has to offer. One more year that so many others didn’t get. My baby never celebrated one birthday party. Not even one Christmas. He never spoke one word or gave one hug. He will never get married or earn a paycheck. He will never fall in love. He will never ride a motorcycle or feel the ocean at his feet. He will never make friends or have sleepovers. I remind myself of this as I watch Crue growing older. It’s an answered prayer to watch him grow and an absolute hands down miracle that he gets to do it. Time is not promised to any of us. Crue will be three in a few short days. Most of us spend this time of Our life either hoping time slows down or hoping it speeds up. We spend so much time worrying about time that we don’t enjoy life as it’s happening. Some would say my life this year was nothing spectacular. I did the same thing most women my age are doing. I got up every morning went to work, cooked, cleaned, took care of my children. Nothing in particular made this year a stand out year. I know the other side to life though, I know the beauty in doing these everyday mundane things with my family is not something everyone gets. I like to look at the last year of my life as anything but mundane. I woke up every morning and felt good. I was able to walk into a grocery store multiple times and buy enough food to feed my family. I went to a job that I’m fortunate enough to have. I’m married to a man that loves me more days than not. I wake up to slobbery toddler kisses and hear a small voice tell me on an hourly basis that he loves me. My life is pretty damn good. I heard a quote once saying, “ There is two ways to look at life. One that nothing is a miracle and the other that everything is.” Wow, is that not the absolute truth. Before you wake up complaining like I have on so many days. Take heart knowing that you woke up. That just the simple seemingly insignificant thing as getting out of bed this morning is a miracle. If more of us lived everyday like it was our last, we wouldn’t look back on our lives with so much regret. If nothing happens in my life, other than watching Crue grow older, I have lived a full life, a happy life. So, keep growing baby boy. Keep getting older, and I will celebrate with you knowing what an absolute miracle and gift it is. There is so much beauty in aging.