The unthinkable 

When I got sick with the flu, I felt like death. I had never really had the flu before so I wasn’t sure if I was being the biggest baby in the world, or if what I was feeling was out of the norm. I woke Wednesday morning and could barely stand. When I stood up, I got instantly hot and sweaty and felt I was going to pass out. I had been up all night because of how crappy I was feeling and just figured I may need some sleep,but when you have an almost two year old, that’s not going to happen. I had never taken Any medication with either of my boys, but I didn’t think I could get through this and care for Crue without something. I called the doctor and she got me in right away. As soon as I was in the doctors office, my symptoms went from bad to  worse and I could barely walk without falling. They quickly put a monitor on me to check my oxygen, which was good, but every time I stood or sat up, my heart rate would jump to 160. They kept me there for quite some time. My influenza test came back positive, but they were more concerned about my heartrate and how it was affecting the baby. They called  Dr. Hardas and decided to send me to the hospital. I had to actually call Todd for a ride because they wouldn’t let me drive. We dropped Crue off at my in-laws and away we went.

One of my husband’s best friends,Dave who is a nurse at the hospital, and his wife Rachel, who is a doctor there, made sure to get us back right away. They were actually waiting at the hospital door the day Nash was brought in. They had assembled the best doctors and nurses they could for his arrival, and to this day, I’m so grateful knowing he not only had amazing people working on him, but two people there that loved him and would be with him until we could be there ourselves. To say these two are special to us is an understatement. We are even godparents to their son Cal.

As they got me in a room, I started feeling better. Not good, but better. Rachel started asking me questions and took out the heart monitor to listen to the baby.  It didn’t take long, but she heard a quick heartbeat resembling the baby’s and I felt immediate relief. I think between the chaos and how fast my heartbeat already was, she took out a bedside ultrasound  to check as well. She could not find the heartbeat, but assured me  the machine was not the best and she would send me to an OB where they could do a more thorough one. You would think I would be freaking out at this point, but I wasn’t. The machine did look old and I was confident they found the heartbeat with the monitor. I was actually excited to go to OB and hear the little tyke. They gave me fluids and I was feeling terrible, off and on. My resting heartrate was 100, but if I even sneezed it would go to 140. Rachel was concerned and told me they would be keeping me overnight to monitor my heartrate. I was actually relieved  because I kept feeling like I was going to pass out and it was a scary feeling. By the time ultrasound finally got me back, I was feeling awful. I was having shortness of breath. I was so tired from not sleeping that  I could barely keep my eyes open and to top it off, I felt sweaty, hot, achy, and the feeling of passing out kept coming and going.

When the lady started  the ultrasound, I was  so tired I barely looked. Until she smiled and said, “look the babies hands are crossed in front of its face.” Todd laughed and said, “I don’t know how you can tell, looks like a monkey to me.” I yelled at him and said, “stop it! it’s adorable! Then she pointed out the face, eyes, and such. She didn’t let us hear a heartbeat, which was strange, but told us the baby was just the right size for 15 weeks. I felt reassured.

Todd felt so reassured that he actually left for our tax appointment and said he would hurry back. He knew I was in good hands with Rachel and Dave. As they carted me back to my room, I saw Rachel behind the desk looking at the ultrasound pictures. I can’t explain what it feels like to know someone who loves you is going above and beyond to make sure everything is ok. Once I was back in the ER room, my heartrate started to spike and Rachel popped in to check on me. She asked if ultrasound said anything to me and I explained what they had told us. She asked where Todd was and I had told her that he had just left. She looked concerned. She leaned back against the counter and softly said, “Shelly, they didn’t find a heartbeat.” I stared at her not quite understanding and my monitor started beeping because my heartrate went up again. It continued to beep as she explained further. She said Dr. Hardas and her resident were in the building but would be down to talk to me soon. Tears started coming out of my eyes and Rachel leaned in and grabbed my hand and said, “I’m so sorry Shelly.” At that moment I knew for sure, the baby was gone. I messaged Todd and he was in such shock he headed back my way immediately. While he was gone, a very nice, warm younger  doctor from OB came in. Dr. Hardas was in surgery and she came to talk to me until Dr. Hardas could see me herself. As she started to talk, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. She said how sorry she was and how this is the hardest part of her job. Between my shortness of breath and sobbing, all I could think about was what if they’re wrong. I asked her,  “is there anyway they can look again?” Of course she said she would and she pulled the bedside ultrasound out and looked. She showed me the belly and pointed to where the heart was and explained the no fluttering. She left it there for a while just to make sure. She then explained that this was not an ideal situation for a number of reasons. My low immune system due to the flu, the chance of infection. She would have to consult with my doctor and see what the next steps were. Todd walked in and hugged me. The doctor explained more and than left us alone. I just looked at Todd crying and said, “never again. I can’t do this ever again.” I saw Dr. Hardas walking our way through a crack in the curtain and she was teary eyed herself. She explained they would give me Tamiflu and once I was no longer infectious, they would give me medication to induce me. She apologized and explained that sometimes they don’t know why these things happen, but that they would be running tests to make sure it’s nothing genetic.

Even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t sleep a wink. When the resident  came in at noon the next day I was alone. Todd had just left to check on our dogs and Crue. He left my side twice during this whole experience and both times turned out to be the worst timing ever. It was the same resident as the day before and I was thankful for that. I was surprised when she said they were recommending to the doctor that  I be sent home. She felt I would be more comfortable there and now that my heart rate was down I was only really being kept there for flu medication. She explaiend becasue of how far along I was and I was showing no signs of infection they were confident they could wait until the flu was gone and bring me back. She was very sweet and explained everything to me. She said they would bring me back in five days and give me medication to dilate me and induce labor. That it wouldn’t be as bad as regular labor, but that I would have severe cramping and such. She also said they would be able to give me pain medication to make the process easier. She explained it could be a lengthy stay and so I was to come back Tuesday morning to ensure I could leave the next day. I asked her questions mainly about what to expect and if we kept the baby. I felt strange asking but I truly wanted to know if they were just going to throw it away. She went on further to explain I was right at the line of wanting the fetus or not, burying it or not. That at 20 weeks, almost all women want the baby. At 15 weeks it just depends on the parents. I couldn t believe this was happening. I started to cry and she placed her hand on my leg and said, “I’m not sure why these things always happen to the nicest people.”

For some reason I thought after Nash I was going to get a pass for the rest of my life – that  no more difficult things would be thrown at me or at least traumatic things. I felt almost in a safe bubble. Boy was I naïve. So now it’s a waiting game. I’m at home taking medication and feeling better. I’m very anxious and nervous about the days ahead and what’s  to come. I find myself confused, angry, sad, and numb to be honest. I want to scream out to the universe, “MERCY!!!!! FOR CHRISTS SAKE MERCY!!! I CAN’T TAKE  ANY MORE!!! I CAN’T HANDLE ANYMORE!!!  Who gets the flu and finds out they are also having a second trimester miscarriage…what the hell did I do wrong in life? When did I become the person bad things happen to?”

It’s coming wether we are ready or not. So,here we are at another difficult “bump” in the road. It’s crazy when I think about the starting of a family, it’s supposed to be the best time of your life. For Todd and I, it has proved to be the opposite. This is a hard time, a difficult one, full of pain and sadness. Who knew wanting a family would bring us down such a dark road. When I got home and looked at Crue I understood why though. That no matter how hard it is to have a family, it means everything. It’s worth everything.

13 thoughts on “The unthinkable 

  1. Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your family!
    No words can express how your followers feel for your loss. Just know that we are all thinking of you and hold faith in knowing that Nash has a sibling alongside to guide and look over you all as your guardian angels. 💙🙏😇 Prayer warriors are on task and doing their part everyday for you mamma💪

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  2. So sorry to hear you are going through this. We experienced two pregnancies that ended with no heart beat. One was a due to a genetic defect and one was not. You may not get all the answers you desire, but your focus on the things that are good in your life are great start to recovery. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone. Allow yourself the time you need to rest and grieve. Take care ❤

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  3. Oh baby, I love you so much. Heartbreaking to see our children suffering and we can’t help fix it. Just know we will always love and help however we can-mom

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  4. You are right to think this is not fair. I hope you can look ahead and find blessings in disguise. Praying for you and your husband after reading your story.

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  5. Much love & many prayers for you. May God restore you in faith, strength, comfort & peace. Will continue to keep you in prayer.

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  6. I want to say something meaningful and helpful to you, Shelley, but I am struggling to find the right things to say so I will just let it roll and hope it helps. I watched you growing up with our kids at school and had no idea I was in the presence of someone truly remarkable. You and your husband do not deserve this but we don’t get the answers we so desperately want in this crazy world. I have a dear friend who went thru the loss of her only two babies. One died on my birthday and she will always be remembered bittersweetly. My friend needed to have acknowledgement that her babies existed even though others were shy and reluctant to say anything to her for fear of hurting her. You have already experienced this and I hope you know that you handle yourself just fine, in fact, you are such a teacher to others who can only imagine what you are going thru. May you and Todd find your way thru this “bump in the road” as you called it. You are stronger than you know but it is important to allow yourself the grace to not be strong all the time.. Love and blessings to you all.

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  7. My heart breaks for you and your family. I don’t understand why this happens to such wonderful people and people that would just love and nurture their babies. It just is not fair. I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart. May GOD be with you and give you the strength to get thru this difficult time.

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  8. We will never know why things happenthe way they do.Losing a child is unbearable.For us around you and your family, there is nothing we can say or do to make you feel better. No words,food or flowers will change the loss.
    I have witnessed so much loss in my life it inconceivable to think about. Normal loss and working as a hospice specialist I have learned that death has no discriminating against age, race, or religion. Death happens to anyone anytime under any circumstance! No matter if we are talking about an Aunt that died in her sleep at 87 or a 13 year old that was fighting cancer. It the hardest thing we go thru. I wish I knew what to say….
    I wish I could take it back for you…
    I wish I could take away your pain.
    The thing that has helped me in times of loss is to constantly remember and appreciate every life around you. Tomorrow is not a promise it’s a gift.
    I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family.

    And again your writing was amazing💖

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  9. I’m so sorry you have to go thru this. I also went thru a miscarriage, and learned that God makes no mistakes. I know it’s hard to think about. But look at this as a blessing if at all possible..it could always be worse. Again I’m sorry, and don’t give up. When God is ready to extend your family he will. Timing is everything. God bless!

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  10. I came on WP for the first time in a while to blog, and this came up first in my feed. You are one of the very few people I follow on here, and I always feel happier seeing you are your family be blessed with good times since losing Nash. It hurts my heart so much to read this, and discover that you are having to feel such a devastating loss yet again. I don’t understand it, but I have to believe God has made you, Todd, and Crue as some sort of special warriors of hope in this life. I will pray for you tonight, and for many days to follow. ❤

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