The plague

I’m one of those people, that although I know you can lose a baby after the first trimester, I knew it was rare in comparison. Something about hitting that 14 week mark makes you want to do cartwheels and sing from the roof tops. I think many pregnant women  can tell you they breathe a little easier knowing they are past that mark, and I was no different.

I have a Doppler at home that Todd had given me when I was pregnant with Nash. I have loved it for all my pregnancies up until  this one. It had given me so much peace of mind in the past. It became part of my daily routine  to wake up, shower and listen to the boys. With this baby however, it’s filled me with a lot of anxiety. I could hear the boys around 9 weeks and with this one, nothing. When I went to my 10 week check up, I told on myself.  With shame in my voice  I told dr hardas I had a Doppler at home (I guess they frown on that) she didn’t however, she actually smiled and said , “that’s good.” I told her my concern, that I hadn’t heard the heartbeat yet. She assured me it was still very early. She then  placed the monitor to my belly and within ten seconds there it was. It was amazing. It’s funny how that sound never gets old. I went home with a huge weight off my shoulders and a reminder that I am not a doctor.

Through the next couple weeks I tried again and still nothing. I tried to remain calm but it made me extremely nervous. I wanted that peace of mind, that reassurance that all was well. I messaged my cousin Christina several times about it and she had googled and found that sometimes due to scar tissue from previous c-sections it could be harder to find. She also encouraged me to call the doctor if I was that worried. I really didn’t want to walk down that road of shame again. To call the office and say that I couldn’t find the baby on the Doppler that my husband probably purchased on amazon, just to hear the doctor find it seconds later. I told myself, I have had no cramping, nothing unusual other than that,  so I’m sure the baby is  fine. Around 14 weeks  I started to feel those occasional flutters which gave me even more reassurance.

My 16 week appt was in a couple days and I told myself I would just wait until then.  Of course my family got hit with the flu and the appointment I had been waiting for I had to cancel. I had never been this sick in my life!! I knew it would be bad.  I had already seen Todd and Crue go through it. Todd got so sick I was worried he may even need to see a doctor. Of course being the guy he is he refused. I had heard how hard the flu could  be on someone who is pregnant and I couldn’t imagine being sicker than Todd  was. I tried to disinfect everything in the house on a daily sometimes hourly basis. I wouldn’t even let todd Lay near me….but when your sick baby pushes his little snotty face against your cheek so he can fall sleep or wants a kiss, it’s hard to say no. I knew the flu was coming and it didn’t dissappoint. 

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