The decision 

Deciding to have Crue was not much of a decision at all. We went by our gut, our emotions. No conversation needed, just a silent understanding and a longing to have the family we once had. It wasn’t until we became pregnant that  we actually thought about what we truly got ourselves into. Yes, we would be a family again, have another child to love, but we were also about to face our greatest fear. The first 8 months of Crue’s life were  the most stressful and hardest days of my life. The constant fear that if I slept he would die when I wasnt watching him. That ten minutes of panic,  three times a night, where I would wake and reach for him to feel his chest rise and then panic until it finally did. It was not only hard on me, but it was hard on our marriage. Any child is an adjustment and can create conflict, but when you are in constant fear of losing them you tend to disregard your spouse completely so that all of your attention can go where it’s needed most, keeping your child alive. Todd and I always wanted at least two kids. When we had Nash, Todd wasn’t so sure anymore. He loved giving all of his attention to one child. I absolutely know we would have had at least one more if he was still here. I couldn’t live with myself if he didn’t have a sibling.

Once Crue was born, Todd was absolutely positive he was done.  Like I said, the beginning of his life was stressful. When you start actually living again, taking breaths, being able to leave him with someone else, it’s hard to want to start over. To go through that panic for another year of your life. We went from severe and absolute grief, to panic and anxiety that it would happen again. We are finally in a better place, a happier one. Why would we put ourselves through another year of that? I thought a lot about the future. I think about Crue playing alone and the guilt I would feel knowing he has a brother, but is now an only child. I thought about him saying one day that he wished he had someone, and how those words would tear my heart apart. I’m 37, so my clock is not only ticking, it feels like it’s attached to a nuclear missle with ten seconds left. I knew I wanted another and I wanted one sooner than later. Todd on the other hand, took some persuading. Eventually, he came around and I thank God that he did. For me, it was one of the hardest struggles of our marriage. I knew I would resent him if we didn’t have another. I was already preparing myself for his decision, and it may not be the one I wanted. When we decided to try again, Todd’s heart changed completely. He was the most excited I had ever seen him. Not long after trying, we found out we were pregnant again!!! This baby is different. We are excited, happy, positive…I’m not as  anxious like I was with the other two. Maybe because it’s my third. Once you’ve done it a couple times you become more relaxed. Sometimes I even forget I’m pregnant. Crue doesn’t quite know what’s going on. Although I have shared there is a baby in my belly he believes everyone, including himself ,has a baby in their belly. He does kiss my belly on occasion, telling it “night, night” or informing me that the baby is sleeping. It’s been a fun and exciting time. Something about having a healthy child beside you and watching your belly grow makes you feel proud knowing that your family will soon be complete. We will be done after this baby and I find myself sad knowing this is my last pregnancy. I’m trying to take it all in and soak up everything and enjoy every second. We have worked hard and been through so much to get here and no day is taken for granted. Soon there will be four of us and knowing Crue will be a brother to someone, like he was always meant to be, makes my heart swell. I’m finding your heart, no matter how broken, can expand to make more room for what’s to come. So here is to welcoming baby number three!!  Can’t wait to meet you❤

3 thoughts on “The decision 

  1. Congratulations! Our rainbow baby is 10 months now and we’re starting to debate whether or not we can ever face it all again! It feels like such a hard decision so I think that means we’re not ready yet anyway! Hope all goes perfectly for the remainder of your pregnancy x


  2. What wonderful news! I met you a couple of years ago at a party, and you were so pleased to learn the ages of my deliveries – 38, 40, 42 – because some people in your life had commented that you were getting a bit old to have more children. I have wondered if you would have another – congratulations!


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