Every parent can vouch for the fact that their baby grows up too fast. I feel that with Crue, I see it, and I fight myself internally trying to grasp at any way to keep him little forever. This past 18 months has been for me emotionally what a heart transplant would be for someone who is about to die without it. It’s a different love, with all its complexities, than what I had for Nash. Nash, being my first child, made me feel shock and awe that I created a life, that I was a momma. It was the first time I felt completely unselfish and loved deeper than I could have ever imagined. Deeper than my love for Todd, deeper than my love for my parents, my siblings, my friends. Nash showed me that as much as I thought I knew love, I didn’t.
I knew the moment I set eyes on him that I would gladly walk in front of a speeding car to save him. When I lost him…all of that love had nowhere to go. I felt stuck, numb, and alone. To go from such a miracle in my life, to my biggest despair, is something I still wrestle with today. When Crue came along, my love for him started out guarded and fearful. I was so afraid of losing him that I found myself torn between doing everything in my power to keep him safe, and trying not to connect to avoid one day being heartbroken again. I am no longer torn. I love this little boy more than life itself. He is like oxygen to me.
My healing Crue is my ultimate life support. He not only gives me something to pour all of that love into, but also he shows me on a daily basis that I only got a glimpse of just how much a child can love their momma and a momma can love their child. Don’t get me wrong I love Nash equally, but I’m experiencing so many firsts with Crue and am just now realizing it’s the tip of the iceberg of what lies ahead of me. It makes me unbelievably sad that I will never know what that incredible love I had for Nash would blossom into, who he would become and what kind of relationship we would have had. I can only imagine with the amount of love I had and still have for him would have become.
With Crue, I’m watching my love and admiration grow for him and with him. He is at that age where he can actually reciprocate the love I have for him. When I pick him up from his babysitter’s house, he runs to me with arms open wide, screaming, “momma, momma.” When he throws his arms around my neck and kisses me so many times we both start laughing, when he cries every time I’m not in his view…well, it’s an amazing feeling. Being his momma continues to shower its blessings down on me like rain. I truly believe the only thing that can mend a broken heart is an amazing love. Crue has not just put a band-aid over my very fractured heart, but mended it with all his natural goodness. There are days when I am so unbelievably happy I have a hard time holding it in. To have that feeling again, it’s nothing short of a miracle, and I thank Crue everyday.
I feel guilty because every month he somehow becomes sweeter and more adorable and I find myself wishing him to stay small. Then I think of Nash, and that abrupt stop in time. I have to remind myself that I do want him to get bigger, that as much as it hurts to watch him grow, it’s been a gift to have. I know more than most just how precious life is. That your perfectly healthy child can be here one minute and gone the next. The panic that can instill in you is indescribable. I know with each day my love for Crue will continue to grow…I’m learning to be thankful for that and trust in God that everything will be okay.
Just yesterday, Crue pointed to a picture of himself when he was about eight-months-old and said, “Baby”. I got teary eyed and said, “You.” He giggled, stomped his foot and said, “Momma, baby.” It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that he is no longer a baby. That he is growing into a little boy. I want to hold on to him and slow down the process, savor every minute and take it all in. I’m also eager for him to grow older and be able to watch him grow into the young man I know I will be proud to call my son. Because of everything I’ve been through every kiss is savored, every age is a blessing, every day is a gift. My little light, my healing Crue, my second chance, my miracle. As much as I cry for his brother I smile for him. As much as It makes me sad to watch him grow, I’m overwhelmingly happy to know he will.