One

One…..one……one……this number is my everything. My life has revolved around this number for the last year and a half. When I was pregnant with Crue, I kept repeating in my head, “Just get him to one.” When he was born, “Just get him to one.” Every time he turned another month older, I wasn’t celebrating that month, I was celebrating that he was one month closer to one, the safe zone, the time when something happening to him during his sleep is officially low. The number they say he can safely sleep on his belly. The number in which I can quit waking up in the middle of the night night in a panic attack as I reach to see if he is breathing and my gut wrenches until I feel his chest rise. The number where the only thing I have to worry about when my baby drifts off to dream land is that he will wake up and cry for me.

My baby has proven over these last twelve months, on a daily basis, that he is going to continue to wake up every morning. It’s been over a month since he has slept with his Snuza. That is a huge milestone for Todd and me, to lay our baby down at night without a movement monitor and step out completely on faith that he will be here when we wake up. This year has been the most emotional, depressing, sad, stressful, conflicting, joyous, happy, amazing year of my life!!!! Every emotion there is, I have had it. The constant conflict in my mind as I celebrate one son’s many achievements and grieve for the son that will never reach them. To see Crue rely on me for everything and watch him as he grows. To see that he completely trusts me to give him all he needs and the immediate tears that follow as I think about my failure to do that for Nash. To have Crue hug and kiss me and see how happy he is to do it and know his brother never got the chance to hug or kiss the parents that loved him so much.

Even though it’s been hard, it has been the most amazing year of my life, to get what every mother deserves, to see their child grow, and to see what every child deserves, to celebrate their birthday. I woke up April 11th, 2016 with nothing but happy thoughts. This day was Crue’s, not mine, not Nash’s…..Crue’s! I didn’t really get emotional until my family started singing Happy Birthday. We kept Crue’s party small, immediate family only. To see my family celebrate with us and know just as much as we do how important this day was, meant the world. You would think I would cry because of Nash, or because of that conflict in my brain…that’s what I expected. It wasn’t that though. As my family sang Happy Birthday and I watched Crue’s, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents smile at him as they sang, and take pictures as he tore into his cake, I cried happy tears. This was a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, to celebrate my child’s birthday. Through the many years of struggle to get pregnant with Nash and the loss of him, I never realized that this ordinary day to most parents was a day I had waited for for the last six years!!

I think birthdays will always be special to me because I know they are never promised. I know that on any day, God can call my child home. To know that, to really know that, to have been on the other side of a birthday, to see the end of my child’s life, to live through that…well, I don’t have the words. Birthdays are special…one year older, one year stronger, another year to celebrate the child that has made me whole again. My rainbow baby, deserving of celebration in so many ways! We made it baby!!! Happy birthday Crue, momma loves you to the moon and back!!   

 
  
  
  
  

 

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