What’s in a name?

Finding a name for our rainbow baby was unbelievably hard. I had the name Nash picked out since I was a teenager. I always loved it. Gregory, his middle name, was chosen in honor of Todd’s dad. Nash, after all, was his first and only grandson until now. I loved the way it sounded, Nash Gregory Schupbach. Just writing it makes me smile. With Crue, I felt the need to incorporate the name Nash somehow. Or at the very least, I felt his name needed some special meaning. I thought about Chance; after all he is our second chance at a happy ending. I told a few people I was thinking about Chance and they made sure to inform me that it was the dog’s name from the movie Homeward Bound. I learned early on not to tell people your name ideas because they do not have a hard time telling you they hate it. Why people feel free to do that I will never understand. It’s not their baby to name, so why they feel their input is needed I’m not sure. That probably sounds rude but it’s a pet peeve of mine. I’m a firm believer no matter how crazy the name, children have a way of growing into them. 

I did, however, tell a few people about the name Crue. Safe people who I knew would lie to me and say they loved it no matter what. I also told our families it was a four letter name. This was hilarious. They were actually googling four letter boy names and guessing right up until the day before he was born. As you can see, our families are not big on surprises. He also came very close to having the middle name of Blessing, poor kid. Todd, though, felt very strongly that he should have his own name. He would be compared to Nash in so many ways and felt he deserved his own name and I agreed. Todd never fought me on the name Nash, and he had the name picked out if we were to have a girl. We decided right away that I would name the boys and he would name the girls. I like solid, yet unique boy names, names that I feel grown men can have as well but have just enough uniqueness to stand alone. I think about if the name would still fit when he is fifty years old.

So many people have asked what Crue means. I wish I had some great story to give you but the truth is, I searched the internet like everybody else. Our girl name and Nash have one thing in common, they are both four letters. I felt I should keep that theme. I googled four letter names and saw the name Crue and loved it!!! When I told Todd he said, “Like Cru Jones from the movie Rad Racing?” My husband knows every movie there is and loves to drop movie quotes every other second. It didn’t surprise me at all when he knew a movie character with that name. Now for the middle name. I thought about Gregory again. After all, Todd’s dad finally got a grandson, a namesake, and he is no longer here. Although Greg would have loved to have another little guy with his middle name, he also felt strongly that Nash should be the only one with that name. Here or not, he was the one meant to have his name. I love that. Todd’s grandpa is constantly reminding me that Nash will always be his namesake. They both adore, and I mean adore Crue, but I love that they also see him as a separate grandson, not a replacement. They are very protective of Nash’s memory and legacy.

I knew very quickly that Michael would be Crue’s middle name. I have four brothers, but my brother Michael and I have always had a special bond; maybe because we are closer in age, I’m not sure, but he is truly my best friend. When I need to talk, cry or just scream, he is who I call. I remember my drive to the hospital the day Nash died. My brother said he relives that conversation all the time and it literally makes him gasp. As soon as Todd told me what was happening, that they were doing CPR, I said I’ll call you right back…who does that?!?! I instantly called my brother screaming and crying that Nash wasn’t breathing. That he needed to get here now. I remember how panicked I was. I knew the possible outcome and I needed my brother there. I still remember his voice, usually calm, shaking and asking what hospital. It should have taken him 40 minutes at least to get there, but he got there in like twenty.

I remember his face as he rounded the curtain, searching my face as I sat in that rocking chair with Nash. I couldn’t say anything. I just looked at him in disbelief. He still tells me that look haunts him. He came to my side and placed his hand on Nash’s forehead and pulled it away quickly, almost like he was terrified by the horror of it all. He then looked at me and just shook his head. No words were needed. His presence alone was comforting. I could see all the pain in his face. Seeing his sister lose her everything and at the same time losing his nephew. There hasn’t been a significant moment in my life good or bad that I haven’t shared with Michael. The loss of our father, our weddings, birth of our children, daily phone calls and endless childhood memories. 

Not soon after I had decided, I wrote the blog “First responder” about the police officer who did CPR on Nash. He has become something special to me for some reason. Him and his fiancé will always be a part of my family. I can’t explain it. I just feel connected to them. I would never had know them had this horrible event not happened. We all wish it hadn’t. I can visualize him with Nash that day and it overwhelms me. To know he was with him when Todd and I couldn’t be, there are no words. His name is Michael as well. That solidified it. Michael would be our rainbow baby’s middle name. I messaged him asking if he minded and I could tell he was touched. He visited Crue at the hospital and again after we brought him home. 

We enjoyed teasing our families. We were already sad we knew the sex of the baby. We like being surprised. We told no one Nash’s name. With Crue, it was the only surprise we had left. We looked forward to telling everyone the day he was born. When it came time to announce his name, I felt blissful. I stared at him and said, “This is Crue Michael Schupbach.” 


2 thoughts on “What’s in a name?

  1. I wanted to tell you how much I love you blog. Even though I can’t relate to your loss of your of Nash or the pain that you carry with you because of that loss my heart still breaks when I read your posts. You even inspired me to write again! You might be wondering how someone with a blog like mine came across your blog since we write about two completely different things but you may be surprised to know that we currently live in the same town. Much like your husband I grew up here. Todd was a year behind me in school and I actually was in the same grade as his cousin Sarah. I started following your blog through Facebook long before I even started my blog. Anyways just thought you might like to know where the connection came from. By the way Crüe is adorable!


  2. Hello,
    My name is Charlene , I am in the club that no mother want to be in also , I lost my daughter at 7 months to sids I feel every inch of pain you feel , I am so great ful to you to share your story it helps a broken heart it helps to know I am not alone in this world I also have another daughter now and it was such a challenge to find a name now here I am 4 years later pregnant with my 3rd baby hoping for a boy but any sex will be a blessing ❤ and I am here again with the struggle of the name pick, finding myself thinking of my ahleigha laverne (laverne being a generation name of my family and my middle name ) the name I feel in love with the first time I heard it , the name of my first love my first born and my first loss, its so hard to lay in bed with my second daughter cheyleigh and not feel like a broken puzzle my missing piece is gone I always wonder what it would be like to see my girls play to grow old together to learn and laugh , family photos feel so incomplete without her, I also have lots and lots of pictures , my favorite clothes and toys and so many wonderful memories , I have a heart attack every time the weather gets crazy I fear of losing her stuff which is my prized positions ❤ thank you for writing all these wonderful articles for us mothers to compare and know we are not alone . I wish you asnd you family the best of luck and I am sure all our babies are in heaven playing and watching down on us mommys and daddys ❤ till we meet again.


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