A letter to you

 Your dad and I have done everything in our power to prepare for your arrival. Everything we know to keep you safe. There are so many things we have done for you that we never even thought of doing for Nash. Nash is your older brother in heaven. Every breathing and moving monitor on the market we have for you. We have taken CPR.  I changed jobs  so I will never be separated from you by more than five minutes. Your family will be able to watch you so you don’t have to be in daycare. Your clothes and bottles are washed and put away. The room mommy and daddy will never let you sleep in is complete. The bassinet that goes right beside me in bed is up and ready. My c-section is scheduled for April 13th, unless you decide to come early. Our bags are packed and our hearts are open. 

This last ten months have been a roller coaster for your daddy and I. It wasn’t too long ago when we were preparing for your older brother to get here. We feel so much more prepared for you. We have those first time parent jitters out of our system and for the most part we are more excited than nervous. We have talked endlessly about what it will be like when you are finally with us. What you will look like, what personality you will have. Your brother was so calm and smily. I have a feeling you will be a little tornado and very serious. Your brother was also pale with no hair. I wonder if you will be dark like daddy with a head full of hair. Or you could look just like your brother and have his personality. Either way, we will love you the same.

There are already so many things different about your story than your brother’s story. With Nash we were excited, nervous and oh so happy. We also had no idea what we were doing. Like most first time parents, we were learning as we went. Mostly though, we were naive. We looked at your brother knowing we would watch him grow and accomplish so much. We looked forward to each new day and what it would bring.  We couldn’t wait for him to start crawling, walking, and talking. With you, we know nothing is promised. It’s a fear we are trying to harness every day. We have done all that we can to prepare, but I’m afraid that fear will always be there. Every smile, laugh, and breath you take will be that much sweeter knowing tomorrow is never promised. 

I’m sad for you in so many ways. I wish your dad and I were the same people we were a year ago. You will never know those calm, naive, happy-go-lucky parents your brother knew You will know the protective, fearful, loving, yet sad parents we have become. You are being born into a family that loves you immensely but is already missing a huge chunk of their hearts. You will be born into this world without the brother you should already have. Your daddy should be bringing him to the hospital to see you. Instead, we will tell you stories about him and show you pictures when you are old enough to understand. 

I want you to know I will fight my hardest to be the best mommy I can be for you. I will try my hardest to not let fear get the best of me. I will make sure you see more smiles than tears. I will work hard to show you how much you are loved. Your daddy and I promise to fight for what’s best for you, including our love for each other. We have been through things that should have torn us apart, but we continue to keep fighting.  We will keep fighting that same fight for you. Like our love for your brother, our love for you will be endless. Nothing, even death, could seperate or divide our love for you. You are a miracle to us. It took us three long years to be able to become pregnant with your brother. It took us six short weeks to become pregnant with you. I know somehow you were destined to be a part of our family. We would never have had you if we hadn’t lost Nash. It would have been at least another year before even discussed another baby.

We know you are here not only because of our love for each other, but also because of the love we had for your brother. You were conceived in the middle of so much sadness, and you have slowly, yet steadily, been filling our empty hearts with excitement and anticipation. You are healing us from the inside out. You are the reason we get to be parents again. You are our second chance at a happy life. Your brother has touched many hearts around the world through his passing, and because of this you have touched so many people’s heart with your life. You are already so heavily anticipated and loved. There is a buzz around these last couple weeks of my pregnancy. People can’t wait to meet you. To get a glimpse at your sweet face. To see how much joy you bring to a family they have been rooting for. You have brought so much joy to us already.  Know that as much as we love your brother, we love you too. Not only because of the loss of him, but because of the excitement of you. You have your own story to write, and we will be beside you every step of the way. To be your mommy is already such an honor. I want to take a minute to truly thank you. Thank you for helping your daddy and I learn to love again. For helping heal our broken hearts and fill our empty arms. We love you now and forever!

7 thoughts on “A letter to you

  1. My thoughts are with you. I cannot even begin to imagine the insurmountable joy and pain you are facing right now. Please remember to take care of yourself in those difficult post-partum weeks, and don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it. You literally have an entire world of people who know your story and who need only be asked if there’s something you need- even something as simple as sending you toilet paper via Amazon because you’re too exhausted to get it yourself.

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  2. I have been following your blog from the beginning and feel such a connection and collective heartbreak with you. As a parent, my heart weeps and rejoices with you. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us and Nash will watch over you always. You are loved from people that you don’t even know. Wishing you more smiles than tears!

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  3. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the day I was called to help your son and was unable to bring that beautiful child back to life. In the ER seeing him surrounded by you his dad and his family has forever changed my life and for months I couldn’t sleep and was tore up from the inside out. I can’t express how happy iam for you and your family for this opportunity again. My little one is 2 and was close to about the same age as Nash when he passed and it has changed my life and the way I look at my son every day and I want to say how sorry iam for your loss.

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    • Ben, I have no words. All I can say is thank you for doing all that you could to save him. Even saying that it doesn’t seem like enough. We know so many people tried to help him. Knowing how hard everyone tried, brings Todd and I so much comfort. Thank you from our family to yours.

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  4. Shelly, I pray this new beautiful baby boy mends the missing chunk of both of your hearts. He is already such a blessing. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me stop and take a breath, and appreciate my boys. Much love to you next week.

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  5. Shelly, I still wish to this day that I could have done something more. It puts a fear in us as paramedics and first responders when we get a call like this and are unable to bring the child back to life, one like we never have felt before and hopefully never have to feel again. I’m so happy for your family and your new addition. Thank you for the blog that you have kept about the way life has been since and allowed me to follow it and gain some comfort with it.

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  6. Iam so excited for u and your families New BKESSINGS u know the Lord Doesn’t make mistakes But I Just meet sone of your family they just came and got subs for big John’s on DORT and court and they seemed to be very happy and then we found out that u just had Nash baby brother and be reading your Facebook and your husband’s story iam in love and my heart goes out to you all. .Wonderful and may Gods blessing continue to Be upon You and all of your family u deserve this Bundle of Happiness God Bless u all and thank u for sharing your Story iam touched dearly…Thank u Jesus Bless them in you Jesus NAME Amen..😍😍💙💙

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