Many of my friends and family have expressed concerns about doing the wrong thing on the day we welcome our rainbow baby. They want to be there but don’t want to impose. They want to hold him but are not sure how we will feel. I wish I could give them an easy answer, but the truth is, I have no idea how we will feel that day. I’m worried about it myself. I have asked mothers who were in similar situations and they said they told no one that the birth was happening. When they got home and felt up to it, they let everyone know it was okay for visitors. I thought heavily about this. On one hand, it would be nice to have time to take him all in, not share, and get used to whatever feelings we are having before we have an audience. On the other hand, we had a lot of family present when Nash was born. It was nice to share our excitement with our family. It was nice to have the support. Both of our families are very involved and want to be there. People have told me, “Don’t worry, they will understand if that’s what you decide.”
People who say this DO NOT know either of our families. I mean that in the most loving way, not as a shot at them. It’s not even a question to them, of course they are going to be there. The thought alone that we wouldn’t want them to be there would shock them. I’m not sure I could keep them away. I could see them camped out in our yard as we approach our due date just so they could follow us to the hospital. I even mentioned once that I thought we may not tell anyone and the looks I got were priceless. They also did not have a hard time saying that it would hurt their feelings. Some people may read this and think, “Who cares?” It’s not about them, it’s about the three of you. In some ways I agree with this, but we are not the only ones who lost Nash. His grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lost him too. They are emotional and excited to meet our new little man. They have a lot of feelings about it themselves. I want them to be able to share this with us. So far, family, friends and our amazing support system have been the reason we have been able to keep pushing forward. I can only imagine that their support would be helpful the day of the birth.
I guess if I had one concern that stands out the most, it would be something that happened when we had Nash. I only have one regret, one sad moment when I think of his birth. I remember being so out of it, so sedated after my c- section that I could barely remember him coming into this world. The memories I have come in flashes. I remember being in a bed looking across the room at all my family holding him. They were talking about his facial features. Smiling at him. Taking pictures. I didn’t even know what he looked like. Todd did not want to leave me, so he let them do their thing and for the most part stayed by my side. I was so sad hours later when I started coming to and Nash was no where in sight. I made the nurse bring him to me. He was in the nursery. That was when I got my first moment with him. I hated that everyone else had already had their moment and I hadn’t. That’s not because he died, either. I had talked to Todd about it long before we lost Nash. I wish they would have at least held him close to me so I could look instead of across the room. I honestly think they thought I was so out of it I didn’t know what was going on. Seriously that is a viable reason, I was pretty out of it, but I do remember that. I remember wanting to cry but I couldn’t stay awake long enough to. I know with this little guy that would kill me. I have told Todd if there is a time I want our space it, will be then. The good thing is, I will be a lot more alert this time. They practically put me to sleep when I had Nash because my spinal was not working. This time that hopefully will not happen.
I want Todd and I to be the first to hold him. The first to study his face. I want that time for just the three of us. However, I want all my friends and family to be on the other side of that door fighting to get in (if that makes sense). This I know they will understand. In no way would they understand not being able to be there, but they know we may want our space. Even if I hadn’t written this, I know if the same situation were to occur, they would have this little guy by me the whole time. They would understand my need to have him close. I think it goes without saying. I think they will do what they have been doing the last ten months, reading our cues. What I also know is that before I had Nash, I was a people pleaser. I wanted to be nice and respectful of others feelings. I would have to say that I am now more vocal about what I want. I don’t hold back. When it comes to our baby boy, I know this will be even more apparent. I won’t have a hard time saying we want our space, if that’s what we want. I won’t have a hard time telling someone they have held him enough; I want him back. In that same way my family has changed. They are very aware of our concerns, our feelings. They know we may be this way and are preparing themselves for that.
I truly am not worried about someone doing the wrong thing, because there is no wrong thing. None of us know what that day will bring. It’s a new experience for all of us. What I do know is that I want this baby brought into this world with just as much love as Nash was. I want to show him off, make sure he is held by all those that love him and have been anxiously anticipating his arrival. If there are 200 people in the waiting room, so be it. The more the merrier. I truly know when it comes to those first few hours of his life, people will be respectful that Todd and I and our families will need that time. We have been waiting nine long months to meet Nash’s little brother. To see what things make him just as amazing. It will be an emotional day. One with a lot of heartache, but also one with more joy than we have known in a long time. We deserve that, our families deserve that, and of course our rainbow baby deserves that. So if you are wondering how we will feel that day and what you should do, I unfortunately do not have an answer for you. Just know we love you all. We love that so many want to be there and can’t wait to meet him. It brings tears to my eyes just knowing how heavily anticipated this little guy is. As a mother I’m not sure it gets much better. The fact that he is not here yet and already loved by so many touches my heart. This little man will definitely not be lacking in the loved department.