If you couldn’t tell from my last two blog entries, I was in a complete state of panic, anxiety, and fear when I wrote them. Trying to deal with the feelings of my unknown future. I think what pushed me into that state of panic was seeing my friend Leslie have her rainbow baby, Alyse. It’s like history repeating itself. She had Rayce months before I had Nash and lost him months before I lost Nash. Here she is having another baby and I have just five short weeks before I will be doing the same. I was terrified. At the same time, I have an advantage over Leslie and that’s that she went first. Our fears of dying in labor or something happening to our babies are very real fears. The day she was induced, I thought of nothing but her. When we talked about our fears of delivery, I told her she had to make it or I was killing myself now. As I left work that day, I heard my phone ding. One voicemail form Leslie! I listened to her in a drugged state just minutes after delivery and heard the most relieving words I have ever heard. “Shelly, we made it!” I cried; I was so happy knowing I, too, will make it. I wanted to give her her space and didn’t reach out to her until she reached out to me. Everyday they were in my thoughts. I wondered what she was feeling. Did she love her new daughter equally? Did she feel like she was cheating? Then another ding came from my phone. A text from Leslie, and this is what it said…
Life is about TO GET GOOD AGAIN!!!! I can’t explain this feeling in words but I wanted to relay this change to you because it’s soothing in a way that I thought I’d never know! Get excited! Get so fucking ready! Very soon you will take a deep breath and actually FEEL like it worked. Like it refreshed you for once instead of leaving you tight chested and still lacking. This baby is proof that there is love and real healing after death. You will know that a part of Nash’s soul lives in this new baby boy. You will SEE it!! HEAR it! And mostly you will FEEL IT 🙂
I don’t know about you but these words sent good chills down my spine! These words changed my whole way of thinking. This was just three short days after she had Alyse. To know not only that she felt this way, but also that she felt it right away. To know how much she absolutely loves her son yet feels no guilt about loving her daughter or writing those words to me. No guilt that she loves her daughter as much as her other children. I wept uncontrollably and smiled as I texted her back. She continued to write, “I wish I could fast forward these last weeks for you.” What she didn’t realize is that she just had. My smile has been almost permanent since I read those words. When I start doubting myself, I go back and read them again. It’s an unfair advantage for me that she always goes first. She went through Rayce’s birthday first and finding out she was pregnant again. She will go through the anniversary of Rayce’s death first. She will also go through Alyse passing Rayce’s age when he died first. I will be the lucky one to always be able to ask her how it went. What is coming? I can’t tell you how much it helps me. Sometimes I rely so much on asking Leslie, I forget to ask my own sister. I texted sis one day and asked about her rainbow baby, Brody. I said, “Did Brody help you or make things harder?” She replied,
I was scared to death until they gave him to me and I never slept a night without him. He helped me soo much. He filled that emptiness I felt but not in a replacement way more of new start at loving whole hearted again. I thought it would be hard to love him because I didn’t have her to love like that anymore. But it wasn’t. I would look for her in him because I know in my heart she gave him to me and how could I not love this amazing gift from her. 😊
That solidified it! I was officially pumped!!! I cannot contain my excitement. The thought that not only will I love this baby without reservation, but also that he will not replace Nash just add to, fills my heart! I loved being Nash’s mommy! Those five-and-a-half months of my life were the absolute best. Knowing that I could possibly feel that way again rejuvenated my broken heart. I find myself counting the days. I catch myself smiling and daydreaming of his little face. Come on baby boy, momma is ready to meet you!!!!!!