Fear

As my due date nears, my anxiety heightens. There are times I am filled with such absolute panic that I have to stop and try to catch my breath so I don’t make myself sick.  I ask myself questions like…What will he look like? Will he look like Nash? Will it bother me if he doesn’t? Will he be okay? What if he dies? What if something goes wrong? How do I do this? How do I mother a child after losing the only one I ever had? What if he dies? Did we make the right decision? Did we get pregnant too early? Did I give myself the right amount of time to grieve before having to take care of another baby? What if I don’t trust anyone with him? What if he dies? Can I do this? Will it make me loose more memories of Nash? Will I feel more guilt loving another baby? What if he dies? Will people expect my grieving time to be up? Can I have this much anxiety and still be a good mother? What if he dies? Will my over protectiveness offend people? What if he dies? Can I let go enough to let him be a child? What if he dies? Will my fear cripple me? What if he dies? Can my marriage handle this? What if he dies? Will we be the parents we were to Nash?” What if he dies?!?!?

I’m terrified, horrified, excited, overwhelmed, scared to death, ready, not ready…my moods change on a dime.  One minute I feel that I can’t wait any longer and I feel the need for him to be in my arms right now! The next minute, I’m so scared of anything and everything and wish I had four more months. I feel completely prepared and not prepared all at the same time. My whole life I have dreamed of being a mother.  After having Nash, I realized just how amazing it really is. I poured every drop of love I had into being his mommy. I loved him more than life. I have never felt so attached, so connected, so in love as I did with Nash. It was an amazing time in my life. The best time. To be in a situation where being a mother scares me to death is so left of center for me. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. I’m mad that I feel this way. I want to be just as excited, just as naive as I was when Nash was born. I’m not though. I’m broken and damaged. I’m half of who I used to be.

How do I be the mother I always dreamed of being with all these anxieties and fears? I don’t want to remember my baby dead. I don’t want to remember his funeral.  I don’t want to know this reality…my reality. I want to go back to a time when having a baby was a joyous thing. The most special time in my life. When I was not this fearful, anxiety-ridden, depressed person I have become. I can fake it for the whole world, but I can’t fake it for my baby. He will know. He will follow my cues, he will follow my example. He will know me like only a child knows his parent. I can hide my feelings from everyone else, but  I can’t hide them from him.  I give myself pep talks. As it gets closer to his birthday, when I feel fearful, I tell myself, “You can do this! You haven’t messed anything up yet! Be fair! Love him without holding back! Love him without fear! Suck it up; he deserves that!!! He deserves the best! Let him see you as the mom you were supposed to be and not the one who has been tarnished by tragedy.

I think back to certain times, seemingly insignificant at the time, but huge now. I remember dancing in the kitchen with Todd as Nash watched us, smiling. I remember the three of us sitting on the couch as I read Nash books. I remember him watching us as we talked with these huge eyes of love. The love was thick in our home. Nash made our connection even stronger. I loved looking at him, looking at us. He was happy. He saw love. The love we had for each other and the love we had for him. He was going to grow up in a home where he never felt anything  less than loved. All I want is to be able to go back to that. To be that mother. To be that wife. To create that same environment for our rainbow baby. I can’t though. I can’t go back. This is my life now. All I can do is have faith that I can love him the way he deserves and hope that I make the right choices to keep him safe.

5 thoughts on “Fear

  1. You are a brave strong women, thanks for sharing your story.
    My mother in law lost her first son and went on to have a family of four. I remember the first time I heard her story I was amazed with her courage to go on, because how do you go on after such a heart shattering loss?
    I’m so thankful she found the strength because I would not have the amazing man that became my husband.
    You are going to grow an amazing family full of love and sweet memories of your first born, Nash. And one day that child you’re carrying will make a women extremely happy to call her husband.
    Peace to you and your family. Xo

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  2. First, God Bless & Good Luck with your upcoming arrival! I have read your posts and often smile and weep as I do. Your grief is natural, It’s a river that’ll flow for your entire life but, like a river it will erode, meander, change paths and even evaporate. Many of the questions in your post are the same questions you would be asking if your first born were alive and well. Will I be able to love this baby as I do my first born? I remember rubbing my belly and wondering that question. As the mom of three now grown children I’ll tell you the answer is yes and no! That all encompassing love that you felt for Nash will be there with this child also but, it will grow in different ways as you get to know this baby as the individual person that is shaping as he grows. Do we ever truly love our children the same? How could we? The love between a mother and child is immeasurable and as unique as each individual and the circumstances that mold each relationship. With the birth of each child each mom is in a different place in their life which will contribute to forming each mother/child relationship. I really think those questions you are asking are normal questions that all moms ask combined with the experience of losing a child and those “wonderful and crazy” hormones of pregnancy! You will be a terrific mom, just as you were the first time!

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  3. Your honesty is your most powerful legacy. There is never a right or wrong way to experience something for the first time. This baby will forge his own path strengthened and supported by the love and history of every member of his family. He’s not looking for anything beyond your best effort on any given day…and you are so filled witH love you haven’t done anything BUT share it and yourselves from day one. I’m so proud to know you.

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  4. You will love your baby as much as you love Nash……Nash will always be in your heart…..you will not forget anything……and people will wonder why you are over protective……thats all fine….you can do this and you can hide your sadness from your baby……I celebrate my sons birthday with his siblings and we light sky lanterns……my Rainbow 🌈 babies ( I have 5 kids……4 here on earth and one in heaven)…will know their brother…………i get questions on the over protective self I am……It’s definitely hard even now 4 years after my baby boy went to heaven…..but as a mom we move on……..continue to love and learn how to deal with things…..yes people think we shouldn’t grieve any more……..but as moms we will always grieve for our babies……

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  5. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I Always read your blog entrees and I love the way you write and express your feelings in a way that makes just so much sense. I feel like I knew Nash in some way and think of him often. Is that weird for being a complete stranger? It is amazing that your writings can have that effect on people. It seems as if an unexplainable motherly instinct came over you to keep your babies’ memory alive through writing and so many other ways that manifested along the way. Amazing. You did it! That is an incredible gift, not only Nash, but to his brother. I hope you find strength in all of us who believe that you and your family will go on with the new baby in the best most meaningful way you could without Nash. You’re taking Nash with you. We see it and we believe for you when it’s hard for you to believe it yourself.

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