A letter to Nash

Your first birthday is coming at me like a freight train. There is no stopping it, no slowing it down. Just like all the other days before, they come whether I was ready for them or not. The world doesn’t care if I’m ready; it just keeps moving regardless of my pain. I think of all you would be doing, standing for sure, walking maybe. You would be saying momma and dada, in some cute baby voice. I miss everything about you. Your smile, scratchy voice, and sweet baby smell. I miss your big brown eyes starting up at me with that recognition that Im your mommy. Every inch of our home and my heart feels empty without you here. I think of all that should have been and I get lost in my thoughts and I tailspin into a deep depression. I hope wherever you are, your are able to watch over us and be a part of us still. I think of you watching over us and missing us like we are missing you, watching as we are carrying on the best we can and you doing the same. People say you would want us to be happy. I’m sure in some way that’s true. To me, it’s hard to think that way. You will forever be a baby in my mind, not an adult who has thoughts like that. I see you looking over us and missing the two people that loved you from the second you breathed your first breathe, until you took your last. The people you were never apart from long and who you are now without. Oh baby, I hope you can see us. I hope you see just how proud we are of you. Proud of the amazing little boy you were and proud of how much you have accomplished since you have passed and how much happiness you have spread. I hope you are proud of us too for trying so desperately to keep your memory alive. I hope you see all the people that have loved you since you were born and have come to know and love you since you left. You have always been extra special to me, but everyday that passes, I realize just how special you are to so many. I hope you watch over your daddy. His pain is more silent then mine, but just as strong. He misses you. It’s written all over his face. One look in his eyes and I can see his broken heart. I try my best to make him smile. I hope you see the little gifts I leave around the house for him, small things I know your daddy wants and I write to daddy and sign it is from you, Nash. He always smiles. I promise to always do that so your daddy never goes without gifts from you, so that way you can always have that special thing between only you. We couldn’t let your first birthday pass without celebrating you. We are throwing you a huge party and I hope you are there in spirit and smiling down on all of us. It’s going to be a very hard day for mommy and daddy. We wish you were here to celebrate this day, to get messy when eating your first birthday cake, to see that famous Nash smile as we sing you happy birthday. Oh baby, it’s just not fair. My heart has a constant ache and emptiness that only you could ever fill. So, I will learn to live with it; until hopefully, one day, we see each other again. Do you know how much we loved you? Do you know how much we love you still? I hope you felt loved. I hope you were happy in the short time you were with us. We sure were. It’s hard to explain just how much joy you brought to our lives. You made me better. You gave me a purpose. You made me feel loved. Please know that with all my heart, I will hold on to yours. I promise to always talk about you, to always include you, to always keep your memory alive. They say everyone has a purpose in life and I know you were mine. As I sit here crying, writing this and feeling your little brother or sister kicking inside me, I know I’m about to get another amazing little person to love. Please know that as I watch him or her grow, I will always be thinking of you. I will always be loving you. You and me buddy, we had something special and we continue to. I love you to the moon and back.

Love mommy

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4 thoughts on “A letter to Nash

  1. Every single one of your posts stops me in my tracks and tugs at my heart. I simply cannot imagine what you must go through on a daily basis. Just wanted you to know that I think about you often. I love all you have done to keep the memory of your beautiful baby boy alive…you are one amazing Mama. When I last saw you at the dentist, you had just put in your 2 weeks notice. We were short on time and I felt like I didn’t say all of the things I wanted to say to you. I wanted to tell you that you were the first person to make going to the dentist enjoyable for me. I always looked forward to my visits (and there were many!) – it usually felt like we were just hanging out and I would always think “we could totally be friends outside of this office!” I mean that in a totally non-weird, non-stalker way, I promise. šŸ™‚ But, seeing the comments people have left here, I know that you must have made all of your patients feel like that, which is the sign of not only a great hygienist, but also a great person. Remember that always…that you have had and will continue to have a positive impact on those around you, even in those moments when you are experiencing a pain unfathomable to most of us. I also didn’t get a chance to tell you that I’m thrilled that you will be welcoming a new baby into your family. I’ve never been sure what I believe as far as what happens when we leave this world, but I sure as heck hope that Nash will get to smile down as he meets his new brother or sister. And with that big, that bright, and that beautiful of a smile, I am most certainly sure he will. Happy 1st Birthday Nash!!!

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  2. Wow, what powerful words, your posts are so good and I am sure your little boy is watching you and knew how much you both loved him. Happy 1st birthday Nash, you have touched so many lives and still will touch even more with the acts of kindness in your memory.

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