We had planned to go to Todd’s cousin Christina’s home to ring in the new year with many of our close friends and family. I would say it was about 2:00 p.m. on December 31, 2014 when I began to have probably the worst break down I have had since Nash had passed. Worse than his funeral, worse than picking up his ashes, worse than everyday leading to this one. I cried to the point where my eyes could no longer produce tears. Until my face was red and swollen and I had developed a pounding headache. To the point where I was hiccuping, crying and laying on his nursery floor alone, praying I would wake up from this nightmare. Screaming at God and all that my life had turned into. Mad at the world for moving into another year. A year that Nash will never physically be a part of. I lay on the floor by his crib with Nash bear and wondered, “Why me, why Todd, why Nash? What did we do to deserve this?” I covered up with all of his blankets and looked around his nursery at his stuffed animals and books. I looked at the rocker, the one I rocked him in countless times.
I closed my eyes and tried to visualize all the memories I could. I remember rocking him with just the light of the lamp on in the nursery. It gave off this very light glow. Just enough to see, but not enough to wake him. I remember staring at his face as I rocked him and rubbing his cheek gently with my finger. Breathing in his sweet baby smell and kissing his soft little lips. Watching him fidget almost awake as I would kiss him. Then I opened my eyes to a cold, empty, dark nursery. The tears filled my eyes again and they began to spill over onto the floor. Why!?!?!? Why Nash?!?!? I loved him. I wanted him. He was so happy. He was so perfect. Why? It’s not fair. He should be here. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be the girl who lost her baby. I don’t want to be this person people think has all this strength. I don’t want to look at pictures of other people and their babies when mine is gone. I don’t want this to be my life. I want a do-over. If I could just rewind my life somehow. Not have taken him to daycare that day. Held him just a little tighter before I dropped him off. Kissed him a little longer. What I wouldn’t give to have even one more second with him.
People have said to me that I must be happy to be done with this horrible year. To start fresh. I feel the opposite. Yes, I lost Nash this year but every minute of his life was in 2014. It will always be the only year I spent with him. I find myself clinging to 2014 with every bit of strength that I have. Hoping the world will end or the clock will stop just short of 2015. I don’t want 2014 to be in the past. Just another reminder of time moving on without him. Up until June 19, 2014…this had been the best year of my life. I had my first son. Todd and I became parents, we became a family. We fell madly in love. We were the happiest we had ever been. Life could not have gotten any better. We spent almost all of those five months at home enjoying Nash and our new life. A life where you couldn’t imagine ever going back to the days before he existed.
Todd and I sat on the couch watching TV up until about 11:30 p.m. I realized that Nash bear had never been taken downstairs. I ran upstairs to grab him, came back downstairs and sat next to Todd. He looked at me and said, “We might as well watch the ball drop.” He switched the channel to count down the last minutes of 2014. I clung to Nash bear like I would if it was Nash. Watched the ball lower and reminisced on all that my baby boy had done this year. I started crying hard and grasping the bear. It felt like saying goodbye all over again. Goodbye to the best and worst year of my life. Todd wrapped his arms around me and then it came 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Happy New Year 2015 lit up the sign. People screaming and kissing. A happy moment for most as Todd and I sat on the couch clinging to Nash bear. I started crying uncontrollably, and then they started playing “What a Wonderful World!” The song from Nash’s funeral…followed by Elton John singing live, who I found out weeks ago is the new baby’s favorite artist. Every time a song of his plays, the baby kicks like mad. I cried even harder. What are the chances? Ringing in the new year and those two songs playing. As Elton sang, the baby started kicking and I placed Todd’s hand on my stomach. As the baby kicked, we looked at each other through tears and smiled. I will carry Nash with me into this new year, just not in my arms like I wanted. I know with every year that passes my memories will get less vivid and hazy. He will always be there though. He has taught me that. I will never say goodbye. I’m bringing him with me.