Expecting hard times

Expecting a baby just two short months after the loss of Nash has brought on a mix of emotions. It’s a unique experience that is hard to explain to others. People expect me to be excited. It’s as if they feel that now we can be happy again. Now we can have the family we always wanted. I wish it was like that and part of me thought it would be. Boy was I wrong. My pregnancy with Nash was so beyond different from this pregnancy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with him, I felt this immediate connection. I loved him from the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test. I loved being pregnant. I read all the weekly updates in the book  What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I looked up pictures on the internet to see what he looked like at three months, six months etc. Those nine months were just ours. He was with me wherever I went. If I was in the car listening to the radio and I felt a kick, I smiled. When I was alone and feeling sad, I would rub my belly and talk to him. You truly do build a bond with your baby before they are born. I remember being so excited to meet this little kicker. To see the face of the baby I had pictured for nine months. When I saw him for the first time, I remember this overwhelming feeling of love but also this crazy connection. I looked at him and thought to myself hey buddy I’ve been waiting for you, almost like we were old friends that hadn’t seen each other in a while. I think all moms feel this way after carrying their babies for nine months. That you already have this relationship that is special to only the two of you. You also sense that your baby has this same connection to you. When I spoke to him and touched and kissed his face for the first time, he looked at me with those big eyes and I could sense this recognition he had. Like he was thinking, so your the one I’ve been kicking.

This time around is different. I’m grieving Nash. I’m starting out this pregnancy missing a big chunk of my heart. I find it hard to be excited about anything, including being pregnant. I don’t feel that immediate connection like I did before. Sometimes I even forget I’m pregnant. I’m overwhelmed with fear about how I’m going to react when this baby is born. Will he or she look like Nash or look nothing like him? Will I be excited or sad by one or the other? Do I want another boy? Do I not want another boy? Will seeing this new baby bring back memories and make me smile or cry? In so many ways I fear that having this baby will make me miss Nash even more, if that’s possible. Just holding babies now puts an instant ache in my heart and memories of how he felt in my arms come flooding back. Sometimes it’s a good feeling and sometimes it is devastatingly hard. I feel horrible for my friends and family who already fear they are going to say the wrong thing. Especially now, because I take everything the wrong way at this point. For instance, it is by far the strangest thing to be congratulated just two months after losing your child. It’s just not a word that in any way relates to my life right now or how I feel. I can tell that even the people saying it realize this, but at the same point they are happy for us and want to acknowledge this new baby. I know that if they didn’t say anything I would be sad that they didn’t. I’m going to blame this irrational behavior on pregnancy hormones.

People told me after Nash died, “You’re young, you can always have another baby.” That’s hard to hear. On one hand yes, I am lucky that I can have more children. On the other hand, having another baby does not replace Nash or take away our grief. I don’t want people to think I will no longer grieve Nash once this new baby is here. If you have three teenage children and one dies, I’m sure you don’t feel HAPPY because you have two left…yes you love them and thank God you have them but you are still missing and grieving the one that is gone. Your family is now missing a key person . It’s the same when you lose a baby. I know I will love this new baby with all of my heart, but I will still feel the emptiness of Nash not being there. What a horrible thing for this baby to be born into…already missing a brother he or she will never meet. Born to parents who are the saddest they have ever been. In the beginning, I wondered how much love I had left to give this new baby. I would tell my family this and they would say that everyone feels that way about their second child. It’s then that I realize people truly don’t understand. I know in my heart that they are just trying to comfort me, but it’s not a question of loving this child as much as Nash. It’s the question of whether or not I have that same amount of love left to give.

Sometimes I fear something is going to be wrong because I have these thoughts. Like I’m going to be punished for having fears or doubt about our next child. Then there is the inevitable guilt I have explained before. You feel guilty for being happy. You feel guilty for being excited. You feel guilty that you are going to give this child things the other wasn’t here long enough to get. I think about holding this next baby and smiling and loving all over him or her like I did with Nash and then feeling guilty that I’m doing that when I can’t do it with him. I’m nervous that I won’t be the mother I was to Nash. I worry that I will resent the new baby. These are fears I wrestle with every day, and I hate that I even have these thoughts. I pray that I will surprise myself like I have been doing so far. There have been times when family members have told me how much this next baby scares them and stresses them out. How scared they will be until he or she is at least two years old. Even though these are thoughts that I have myself, I instantly get defensive. Almost the same feeling I have when I pick on my little brother, but I’ll be damned if anyone else does. I remember one time in particular after something along these line was said to me. When Todd and I were driving home, I was filled with anger and protection for the new baby. I looked at Todd and said, “They are going to love this baby dammit and treat him or her no differently or I will freak out!” Todd smiled at me and said, “And you are afraid of how you will feel about the new baby? You are already being a momma bear.” I smiled. He was right, it gave me hope. Hope that I will be even half the mother I was to Nash. Hope that I will love them equally. Hope that I will not set an unreachable standard for this baby to live up to. Hope that when I see him or her all that I will feel is love. Love and that amazing connection I felt with Nash.

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7 thoughts on “Expecting hard times

  1. you will never forget nash he was your child,and you will probably not treat this child like nash no child is ever the same ,they all have their unique personalities, that’s what makes a child so special. this baby is truly a gift from both god and nash, yes I know all children are gifts from god !! but this baby is special your intinicts will kick in . smile and sing a lot to this baby maybe he’ll be a rock-star:) prayers for you and your entire family.

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  2. I have read every one of your posts. I don’t ever know what to say because I think at most times I am left speechless. In awe of you and your insight and honesty to share this terrible loss with all of us, whom you’ve never met. As a parent, I grieve with you every time I think of you and your son. Every time. But today, I hope that I have something appropriate to say. You are growing Nash’s sister or brother. Not a child to replace him or even to replace your feelings for him, but someone who will become another part of your heart. I have no doubt that Nash has met this little person as they all come from Heaven. Know that you are an amazing mother that I am continually awestruck by.
    Your kindness and understanding for all those around you during your loss is so humbling.

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    • Your baby Nash was just adorable and a beautiful baby boy. It just doesn’t make sense and my heart hurts for you. You are not alone in your tears as many of us feel pain with you. My suggestion to you with this second baby is to not compare your level of love. I wondered when I had my second child if I could love it as much as the first. Trust me, that’s a normal feeling and the answer is, YOU WILL. Don’t try to compare your love as equal. As an example: Do you love your Mother more than your Father or vice versa? You love them each for different reasons. Each child is different. You love them in different ways and for who they are. I think you have every right to feel all the feelings you are , but just know that you will love this baby so much and you have enough love to love them both with all your heart.

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  3. Having an overwhelming awareness of your feelings, worries and thoughts and also having an incessant drive to be a good mother already makes you a great mother. Allow yourself to grieve and somehow I believe this baby is a direct Godsent blessing that will help you more than you could have imagined. I have grieved over a child and what I do know is that it is my faith in God that has brought me through the despair and I now see the sunshine more and more.

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  4. I pray for you and your family that your heart begins to heal with this beautiful gift from God… You are an amazing woman and my heart breaks for you every time I read your updates. You will find your way through this pregnancy and I have no doubt that this child will be loved and cherished just as much as Nash. The bond that you have with Nash can never be broken and he will be blessing you and watching over you forever.
    I also am left speechless by your journey, if nothing else please know that you have touched so many lives and so many keep you in their prayers.

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  5. I have never lost a child and could never imagine what you are going through all I can do is say what everyone else does and say I am so sorry and offer my prayers. But like the other comments say children are a blessing no matter how they come and go. Sometime it’s in God’s best interest to take a child and we can never understand why and maybe never will. All I can say is love your children, have faith and you will get through this. It is harder with pregnancy emotions. I had more of a connection with my first and not my second but once I looked in the face of my second child it was all put in place. Your new baby may just be a blessing from Nash. Best of luck and remember to talk to God and Nash. They are always listening.

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  6. I only found your blog yesterday (and conveniently on a ‘Nash day’ – which my husband and I were proud to take part in), but I am so incredibly in awe of what a strong, courageous, and loving mother you are. You have inspired me in less than 48 short hours as a mother and wife in my own family. I cannot fathom facing what you have been forced to confront in the past 3 months, yet somewhere in it there is some serious beauty that you are sharing with so many others in the world. That right there is Nash’s light continuing to shine. But do not diminish yourself in all this – his light is in major part due to your own. Whatever journey you are traveling as you prepare for your second baby, that light is sure to continue shining as a beacon to so many. Thank you, more than words can say, for sharing your story.

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