I grew up in the small town of Omer in the country at the end of a dirt road. I wanted that life for our children. When Todd and I started our search for a house, I knew I did not want to live in a subdivision. I wanted a house with property and a yard for our dogs. Someplace I could make a home for our children. I remember the first time I laid eyes on our house. This big colonial home on three acres. Butted up next to a home with horses. I was like a kid in a candy store when I walked in. Hard wood floors, old wood barn beams in the ceiling. Huge porch. Anyone who has been there will tell you it’s a family home. Many people have told me it’s like a Christmas home. Someplace you see yourself on the holidays. I remember asking Todd if he liked it. I prayed he did because in the fifteen minutes it took me to look through it I had already pictured my entire life there. He looked at me and said, “Do you know what the best thing about this house is?” I looked at him and smiled. He then said, “The smile on your face.” I knew then that this house was ours! I still pinch myself thinking how lucky I am that my first house is my dream home. It has four bedrooms and I couldn’t wait to fill them. We poured a lot of love into making this house a home. When we started fixing up the nursery, I got so excited. One room was going to be filled. The old hardwood floors were getting pretty rough, so we put new flooring in. The main reason we did this was because we didn’t want the new baby to get slivers when they started to crawl.
I loved bringing Nash home. I pictured Christmas’s here. I pictured him running up and down the stairs when he got older. I pictured him bringing his children, our grandchildren to this house. Every corner has a memory. The sink where I gave him his baths. The stairs I would race down and make goofy faces to make him laugh. That’s actually one of my clearest memories because I did that the day he died and he had the hugest smile as the wind hit his face. I always dried him off after his bath in the formal living room. I would lay him down on the floor as I dried him off and then covered him with good smelling lotion. It was one of his happiest times. Nash loved to be naked. The dogs would always lay down next to him and watch him giggle as I took care of him. He had finally gotten a little control of his toy car. I would be cooking at the stove and he would work his way around the island in the kitchen. As soon as I was in his view he would smile. Our bedroom where I would prop him up on a pillow as I put my makeup on when getting ready for work. His nursery where I rocked and stared at him for hours. Where I changed his diaper and dressed him. Our yard where he loved to lay with Todd. Our mailbox. Todd would always take Nash with him down the driveway when he would get the mail. Nash always carried one envelope.
When I found out I was pregnant with baby number two, Todd said that we needed to sell the house. Now that I will be staying home, it’s not something we can easily afford. To me, it’s so much more then selling a house. It’s giving up on the life I had planned on having. If losing Nash wasn’t bad enough, I now live with the reality that he will not grow up in this home. Now I have to come to terms with leaving the home I had pictured raising him in. Every corner has a memory. He is in every part of this house. I know years from now after we have moved, I will drive by and look at this house and cry knowing it was Nash’s only home. It was going to be a part of all future things. One more dream in my life that is now over.