It’s strange that I can be having a seemingly good day and something will just set me off into this insane tailspin of depression. Seeing a parent pushing a stroller, seeing Nash’s empty nursery, his empty car, his bottles in the cabinet. It can sometimes be something completely unrelated to Nash. One day I went downstairs to put laundry in the washer and collapsed to my knees and cried for a good 15 minutes. Another time I was in Walmart, reached to grab cereal off the shelf and burst into tears. Once I’m crying, I let my mind go to all the dark places I have been trying to avoid. All day long, I fight to suppress my feelings but once the ball is rolling I just let myself go there. I think of Nash the last time I saw him. I think of the fact that I worked late the last few days before he died and didn’t get to see him as much as usual. I think of that last bottle I gave him before I took him to the sitter. I remember staring at him and smiling. If I had only known, I would have stayed home with him. I picture his smile and then immediately picture him lifeless on that hospital bed. I think of just wanting to die so I can be with him, or at the very least just not wake up to this nightmare that is now my life.
Things I use to be scared of, I am no longer. I have always been terrified of thunderstorms but now I just lie in bed praying a tornado will hit the house. I can’t tell you how many times Todd and I have looked at each other since Nash passed and said, “What’s the worst that could happen?” when we are contemplating doing something risky. Even death seems okay in comparison to our lives. Just so everyone knows we are in no way suicidal. We just don’t have that worry about our lives like we used to. For a good four weeks after Nash died, I didn’t wear my seat belt when I was driving . I just didn’t care. Why wear it? It’s a blessing Todd and I love each other enough to not want the other person to feel more pain. It’s the only reason sometimes I think we do keep going. We both would switch spots with Nash in a minute. I would much rather have died if it meant Todd and Nash were still here. I will think all of these thoughts and be so overwhelmed with sadness and confusion. Why did this happen? Did this really happen? Did he know I would have helped him had I known he needed me? Did he think of me in his last moments? It’s like a flood of emotions that just takes over me and I feel like I’m going to go into some sort of panic attack or hyperventilate. It is then followed by complete numbness. For instance, after I grabbed for the cereal and started crying at Walmart, I stood there and contemplated leaving my full grocery cart and going home. Instead, I just stood there in the aisle and cried for two or three minutes, then wiped my tears away and finished my grocery shopping like a stone faced zombie. I remember even passing the baby aisle after that. I glanced over, remembered the familiarity of that aisle, but did not allow my mind to go any farther.
It feels as though you start your day off numb then things accumulate in your mind. Could be hours, could be minutes, but you finally reach your breaking point and let it all out. You do that until you have reached a point where you can no longer cry and then the numbness starts all over again. How did my life come to this? It’s like Groundhog Day everyday. When Nash died, part of Todd and I died. We are shells of who we used to be. Sometimes I think we fake it so well in front of our friends and coworkers that they don’t even realize the extent of our depression. Our life went from absolute bliss to a life that doesn’t seem worth living. Most people have a good day or a bad day. It’s not a choice, it’s either good or it isn’t. With Todd and I it’s a choice. We have to fight and work hard to have a good day. Sometimes it’s so emotionally exhausting that I could go to bed at 6:00 in the evening for the rest of the night. The loss of Nash left a large gaping hole in us that will never be filled. We walk around wounded as half the people we once were. He is never far from our thoughts. He is behind every fake smile and laugh. We carry him with us wherever we go. Only now it’s in our hearts and not our arms.