When I got home from work one day, Caroline and Chad brought us dinner. Becca and her girls had just left. I chatted for a bit and then headed to the bathroom before I ate. When I was in the bathroom, I glanced down at the trash and saw two pregnancy tests just thrown right on top of the trash. I knew they were mine because the ones I had bought were no longer in the closet. I freaked out. Who was pregnant…Becca or Caroline?!?! Why would they just throw them in the trash so I could see?!?! I did what anybody would do and reached in and grabbed one to see if it was positive or negative. Unfortunately for me, I grabbed a handle covered in pee! I looked…the test had not been used. I realized quick my very curious 7-year-old niece Chandler had read the directions and taken them. I laughed so hard seeing that she had peed on the handle! I quickly called Becca and informed her that Chandler was not pregnant. She laughed out loud and said, “Those things are expensive!” I never thought about that; I was too busy laughing.
Later on that night, I was using the bathroom again and thought what the heck I’ll take one, they are expensive, why waste them. I knew it would be negative even if I was pregnant, being that I just had my period the week before. I took it, set it on the sink and went about my business. I came back two minutes later and I was shocked to see it was positive!!!! I used to pray every night asking God to watch over me, Todd, Nash, my family. It seemed silly now. After Nash died, my thoughts on God were different. I now felt that he truly has no control over these things. I told myself I would never ask him for anything again. I still prayed every night but only talked to Nash, no longer to God. As I stared at the positive test result, I looked up and saw Nash’s picture. I began to cry uncontrollably. He won’t be here to meet his brother or sister. I sat on the bed and talked to God for the first time since Nash passed. I asked him to watch over this baby. I begged him to keep this baby safe, to keep me strong and as stress free as possible. I called Todd immediately and he was ecstatic for two minutes. Then the stress sat in. He didn’t want me to work if we had another baby. We could never drop our next child off at a daycare and have peace of mind. It made us both miss Nash even more.
I thought for a second…was this a good idea? We will raise this baby in a way we never wanted to. We wanted Nash to be around a lot of people. We wanted him to be used to going to anyone, and he was. We loved that no matter who it was, they could grab him and he would smile. We were very easy going parents. With this baby, we would never let anyone have him or her overnight. The baby would be in our room in a crib next to our bed and he or she would have a sleep apnea monitor. We would never sleep! I took two more tests over the next couple days and both were negative. I knew then that I did want a baby. Todd and I were heartbroken. How cruel is the universe to give us that rare false positive after all we had been through? I called the doctor’s office and they said to wait a week and take another test; it may just be too early to detect. I waited five days and took another. It was positive!!! I took two more…positive!!!!! I called my doctor and went in to have blood drawn.
I have heard people say that a baby following the death of a baby is called a rainbow baby. That’s fitting because I asked Nash after he passed to give me a sign that he was OK. I didn’t say what, just something. I started seeing rainbows everywhere after his funeral. I thought that is it, he shows me with rainbows. When I went to have my blood drawn, I looked to the side and saw that the lab tech had pictures of her kids on the wall and underneath was a picture of a rainbow. I smiled as my eyes welled up with tears. Todd and I said that if we ever had another baby, we would want to always include Nash. We want him to be a part of his or her life. If people ask him or her if they have a brother, I want him or her to say, without thinking, “Yes, I have a brother in heaven.”
A couple of weeks ago I sat down and wrote a poem, one that a friend is turning into a book for me to read to our next child. I had no idea when I wrote it that I was already expecting our rainbow baby. This is the poem: I have an older brother…you can’t see him this I know. He watches over me from heaven…and smiles as he sees me playing down below. I never got to meet him…yet I miss him everyday. But when I go to sleep at night…in my dreams we get to play. We slide down all the rainbows…and jump from cloud to cloud. If mom and dad could see us…I know they’d be so proud. He loved to lay with daddy in the grass so soft and green…and I hear his sweet giggle every time my momma sings. Nash will always be my brother…who watches over me from above. Who left this world to early…but cradles me with love.