Our rainbow baby

When I got home from work one day, Caroline and Chad brought us dinner. Becca and her girls had just left. I chatted for a bit and then headed to the bathroom before I ate. When I was in the bathroom, I glanced down at the trash and saw two pregnancy tests just thrown right on top of the trash. I knew they were mine because the ones I had bought were no longer in the closet. I freaked out. Who was pregnant…Becca or Caroline?!?! Why would they just throw them in the trash so I could see?!?! I did what anybody would do and reached in and grabbed one to see if it was positive or negative. Unfortunately for me, I grabbed a handle covered in pee! I looked…the test had not been used. I realized quick my very curious 7-year-old niece Chandler had read the directions and taken them. I laughed so hard seeing that she had peed on the handle! I quickly called Becca and informed her that Chandler was not pregnant. She laughed out loud and said, “Those things are expensive!” I never thought about that; I was too busy laughing.

Later on that night, I was using the bathroom again and thought what the heck I’ll take one, they are expensive, why waste them. I knew it would be negative even if I was pregnant, being that I just had my period the week before. I took it, set it on the sink and went about my business. I came back two minutes later and I was shocked to see it was positive!!!! I used to pray every night asking God to watch over me, Todd, Nash, my family. It seemed silly now. After Nash died, my thoughts on God were different. I now felt that he truly has no control over these things. I told myself I would never ask him for anything again. I still prayed every night but only talked to Nash, no longer to God. As I stared at the positive test result, I looked up and saw Nash’s picture. I began to cry uncontrollably. He won’t be here to meet his brother or sister. I sat on the bed and talked to God for the first time since Nash passed. I asked him to watch over this baby. I begged him to keep this baby safe, to keep me strong and as stress free as possible. I called Todd immediately and he was ecstatic for two minutes. Then the stress sat in. He didn’t want me to work if we had another baby. We could never drop our next child off at a daycare and have peace of mind. It made us both miss Nash even more.

I thought for a second…was this a good idea? We will raise this baby in a way we never wanted to. We wanted Nash to be around a lot of people. We wanted him to be used to going to anyone, and he was. We loved that no matter who it was, they could grab him and he would smile. We were very easy going parents.  With this baby, we would never let anyone have him or her overnight. The baby would be in our room in a crib next to our bed and he or she would have a sleep apnea monitor. We would never sleep! I took two more tests over the next couple days and both were negative. I knew then that I did want a baby. Todd and I were heartbroken. How cruel is the universe to give us that rare false positive after all we had been through? I called the doctor’s office and they said to wait a week and take another test; it may just be too early to detect. I waited five days and took another. It was positive!!! I took two more…positive!!!!! I called my doctor and went in to have blood drawn.

I have heard people say that a baby following the death of a baby is called a rainbow baby. That’s fitting because I asked Nash after he passed to give me a sign that he was OK. I didn’t say what, just something. I started seeing rainbows everywhere after his funeral. I thought that is it, he shows me with rainbows. When I went to have my blood drawn, I looked to the side and saw that the lab tech had pictures of her kids on the wall and underneath was a picture of a rainbow. I smiled as my eyes welled up with tears. Todd and I said that if we ever had another baby, we would want to always include Nash. We want him to be a part of his or her life. If people ask him or her if they have a brother, I want him or her to say, without thinking, “Yes, I have a brother in heaven.”

A couple of weeks ago I sat down and wrote a poem, one that a friend is turning into a book for me to read to our next child. I had no idea when I wrote it that I was already expecting our rainbow baby. This is the poem: I have an older brother…you can’t see him this I know. He watches over me from heaven…and smiles as he sees me playing down below. I never got to meet him…yet I miss him everyday. But when I go to sleep at night…in my dreams we get to play. We slide down all the rainbows…and jump from cloud to cloud. If mom and dad could see us…I know they’d be so proud. He loved to lay with daddy in the grass so soft and green…and I hear his sweet giggle every time my momma sings. Nash will always be my brother…who watches over me from above. Who left this world to early…but cradles me with love.

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24 thoughts on “Our rainbow baby

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your story. I too am a mother of an angel and expecting my rainbow baby. I love your poem. We will be using the clothes that we had for our daughter to create a quilt so that this new baby and any other siblings will always have something to hold and remember her. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  2. Although I do not know you or your family, I have been deeply touched by your story. I recently became a mother myself and I cannot tell you how amazed I am by your strength. Congrats on your rainbow baby! You both seem like amazing parents and I am so happy that you are getting to get a piece of your heart back through your new little one.

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    • So excited for this wonderful news! Your story had touched so many, and I have been praying for you since your first blog entry. God bless you and this new blessing in your life!

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  3. God has given you a gift. When one door closes, somehow another one opens. Not to take your beautiful son’s place, but to fill your arms and heart again. I think of you and your husband everyday and keep you in my prayers. I am so happy that there will be another little one in your lives. I watched you grow up with my kids and when I think of you I always think of your bright smile Shelly. Your spirit glows within you. Blessings to you both,

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  4. I am having the receiving blankets we used for our son Burke made into a quilt for his surviving twin Brady. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Prayers that it goes well.

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  5. There has been so much sadness lately in the lives of so many people. I’ve followed your story and been so saddened by it. I’ve asked God where He is in the midst of it all recently and then I read this. For me, God has often used rainbows to remind me He is with is in the midst of the sorrow. Thank you for sharing your story so openly. It has reminded me of who holds us all in whatever troubles we encounter. May this pregnancy have peace and not anxiety and be filled with hope and joy. May this baby be fine and grow up to have a full long life.

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  6. I’m so happy for you !! I can’t imagine I cry everyday thinking about you !!! My son is 3 months old and I can’t imagine leaving him ever now… I feel
    So protctive now.. I quit my job I can’t trust anyone … I’m so happy god had blessed you w this new addition 🙂 I’ve known Todd and his family since I can remember and I feel
    For you everyday!!! My son catches me crying and I tell him about it and how we have to remember him Evan though we didn’t know him .. I worked at Vgs recently and quit you may not know me but I remember u !!! I’m praying for your family and your knew miracle .. God bless all of you yoyr inspiration for you and everyone else going through what has happened in my prayers everyday!!

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  7. I have said many prayers for you, one being to bless you with another baby! I am so happy for you both, continuing to send prayers. Nash will be the best guardian angel for his baby brother or sister.

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    • That is the most beautiful poem I have ever read! I have been following your story and my heart breaks for you! I can’t even begin to comprehend the amount of pain you have had to endure since your beautiful baby boy was taken from you. I read your blog and just bawl my eyes out and hug and kiss my baby as I imagine what life would be like without her. Congrats on your rainbow baby! He/she is a beacon of light in a dark time and will always have a guardian angel looking over them!

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  8. I began reading your blog right after you began it and cried along with you despite not knowing you or Nash directly. We do have mutual friends. As I read, I knew God was speaking to my heart that I would be called to share this blog with a friend in need one day. I never realized it would be this soon. We recently moved back to MI after living in SW KS for 4 years. I am friends with a seer family there who just lost their sweet baby and said thief earthly goodbyes on Friday. Thank you for your willingness to write from your heart. I just messaged my friend and shared the link to your blog. Please know that you are touching so many lives! Thank you for your transparency to not only read about your experience but, actually feel as if we all knew Nash although never officially meeting him. Prayers for you and your family. Congratulations on your precious new baby on his/her way!

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  9. Happy that you have something to look forward to and bring you some joy in such a difficult time! Your writing is incredible. With each blog of yours I read I can feel some of your pain and cry with you because you describe it in such a way that I almost feel like I’m in your shoes for that moment and how painful this is and I know it can’t compare to the actual despair you’re feeling. I think this pregnancy and child will give you a new way to celebrate and remember Nash’s life.Have a Nash day and thank you for being brave enough to share his and your story.

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  10. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I will pray for you and your family, but I know in my heart that it will be an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby. :). Although we don’t know each other, I started following your story because we have mutual friends. I also live in Fenton and I have young kids (my youngest is 2 months old). I certainly do not know what you’re going through, but every one of your entries brings me to tears – some happy and many sad. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I will continue to pray for you all. I wish you nothing but the best.

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  11. I have been folllowing your blog and I have shed so many tears for you and Todd. I’ve never met you or Nash, but I’m so happy that his smile can still bring happiness to so many. No baby will ever replace him, but you’ll make room for another. Just know that he/she will always have a big brother to watch over and protect them. I heard that our loved ones in heaven hold and protect our unborn babies until they are born. I am certain that Nash will get to hold his younger sibling. My prayers are with you for a healthy pregnancy. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

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  12. Being one of those who were there periodically throughout Nash’s time in the tummy my heart and soul aches for you and your family. I am very sorry that this tragedy has be-fallen such a sweet and beautiful person inside and out. Your strength and beauty shine through the darkness even when you are grieving. I am certain that I took that rainbow picture years ago just for you!!! I’m happy to be apart of this next chapter in your life with mr. or miss rainbow baby and I pray that everything is wonderfully healthy!

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  13. I have been following your blog since early on. I never met you or Nash but I know the Schupbach family as I worked with many of the at Vg’s and my husband grew up right down the road from them. As a mother I hurt for you, I have cried many tears for you! I admire you, your strength and willingness to share your deepest feelings in your time of despair in hopes of helping someone else. And I love your Nash, his smile even though in a blog so full of sorrow brings a smile to my face even when I am holding back tears reading! YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE AMAZING!! I only wish the very best of health to you and your rainbow baby! I hope he or she inherits Nash’s smile and his/her parents giant hearts full of love and strength!
    Best Wishes,
    Jen Lessard

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