Guilt

Anyone who has lost a child will tell you that guilt becomes a huge part of their new life. It’s as prevalent as your five senses. It’s always there. There isn’t one thing I do during the day that I don’t feel guilty about. Breathing, eating, driving, laughing, smiling, watching TV, even listening to the radio. It feels like I’m dishonoring Nash by doing these things. Like I’m moving on without him, like he never existed. I drive in my car everyday and don’t even turn on the radio…Todd says he doesn’t turn it on either. One day I did and cried for hours after. I felt unbelievably guilty for doing it. I used to love music. Now I feel guilty singing. If we watch a funny movie, the moment I laugh, I cry because I laughed. Like, what the hell am I laughing for? My son died. The morning I went back to work, on my drive there, I remember thinking well I guess that’s that, grieving time is up, time to move on with life. Do you know how awful that feels? I feel like I should never have to go back to work. I should get some sort of pass. Hell, I should be able to file for disability or something. It feels as unnatural to keep living as it does to bury your child. It’s been two months since Nash passed, and Todd and I still haven’t gone grocery shopping or even cooked. Our bills are all late, not because we don’t have the money to pay them, but because these everyday details feel like moving on. Within a month of Nash’s death, my memories started fading. This little person who was a part of everything I did all day long for five months. The little person I rarely did anything without holding in my arms.

Every new mom will tell you they don’t know what they did with all of their time before they had a baby. How do you lose those memories?!?! If someone would have told me when he was alive that if he died that day, my memories would start fading in a month, I would have said no way! Well unfortunately they do. That kills me. If I already have a hard time now, how will I feel in ten years? I want him to be as clear in my mind as when he was here. It boggles my mind to this day that I’m having a hard time picturing his lips. Lips I kissed 100 times a day! I go into his nursery often. I smell everything. Touch everything. Trying to hold on to any memory I can. People tell me, “You will get through this, it will get better.” Part of me wants to hear that. You want to know you won’t feel horrible every minute of everyday for the rest if your life. On the other hand I don’t want to feel better. That means I’m moving on, it means my memories are fading, that time has moved on so much since he was alive that it has somehow become more bearable. I don’t want to get over it! I don’t want to get through it! I want his life to always affect me! This is not something I will ever get through nor do I want to. I will learn to live life as half of the person I once was. How happy that half of me can be, I don’t know.

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4 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. Michelle and Todd,
    You are so inspiring, so honest with your feelings and love for your son, Nash. I am sure he smiles when you are happy, he will always be a piece of your heart. You will never forget him even if your memory fades. I think your blogs will help that and will be awesome to have years down the road to read. He has touched so many lives and many of us never met him. Be happy to honor of your happy boy. Sending you hugs from Arizona.

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  2. I have followed your blog from the beginning and have sobbed at each and every one. I am replying now because I could never find, what I thought, was the right thing to say. I could not imagine how someone gets through something like the loss of a child. But I think that your memory of your precious Nash is not fading. I believe it is the human way to cope with such a horrible loss. I truly believe that as time goes on you will remember more of the good times, smiles, the feel of his lips, the twinkle in his eyes,the special moments and hopefully less and less of the pain and heartache you are going through now. I don’t believe a person could go on only remembering the pain. I am hoping that I am right and as time goes on you will remember him with only happy memories and the pain you are feeling will be pushed to the back of your heart. Never gone, just less a little easier to handle. You won’t forget. Don’t be hard on yourself. A lesser person could not have gone through what you have and come out the other side. I hope soon you can look at pictures of him and only feel happiness instead of pain. You know he would only want to be remembered in a happy way. Maybe that is why is was always smiling. We just don’t ever know in this life. I pray for peace for you and your family.

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  3. We’ll said Vicky. I wish I had something clever to add. We are all still thinking/praying for you guys. I hope God can bring you some peace in this time of sadness.

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  4. I understand your pain in losing a child, I have lost three. You will never lose those memories or birthdays. You start thinking what it would be like if they were this age or if they would have liked this. A part of you is missing and it will never be the same no matter how hard you try. It has been years and I still cry, how could I not. But I am thankful that I finally got a chance to be a mom and I am so thankful for that. It will get easier over time but not right away, take your time and talk about him. Do not feel that if he is gone you can’t. This is my advice and I pray that in time your pain will lessen over time.

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