After I would write down how I was feeling, I would have my sister check it for any spelling errors. I am by no means an English major. Once she read them, she would encourage me to share them with people I knew. I couldn’t; it was too personal, too raw. I eventually let Becca read them as well. I got the same reaction. She would say, “Shelly you need to share these.” I thought, these are for me. What purpose would I have in sharing them with my friends and family? People would think I just wanted sympathy. She said, “No, these could help people. People going through what you are going through.” I gave in and said, “You post it then.” I could always lie and say I didn’t know she did it if people had a bad reaction. She shared it on Facebook. I couldn’t even look. Hours later I thought OK, let’s see the two comments I probably got, most likely saying why is she writing about this. I was surprised to see 25 shares. 30 comments. People saying how they cried all the way through them. How insightful it was. They begged me to keep writing and sharing them. The thing that got me the most was strangers writing comments on my blog. They would say I feel like I know you, I feel like I know your family, I feel like I knew Nash! My heart swelled with pride. They know Nash! They know he was here! They pray for him! I could share him with everyone. I looked at the stats on my blog 1500 views! I just posted it two hours before! People in Germany, Japan, Australia! They were reading about our Nash! I knew then I would never stop writing…the more people that knew about him in my opinion the better!
It’s a strange thing. I always intended to be brutally honest about everything I was feeling. That meant sharing my family’s pain too. I started to worry. Is Todd OK with this? Are his parents? These were insanely personal things I was now sharing with the people closest to them. I was surprised when they told me that if it helps me to keep doing it. Todd would get after me. You haven’t posted in a while, you better get on that. He loved reading them. What was most surprising was how hard Todd, his family, our friends would cry reading them but would reread them over and over again. Why is that? I find myself even reading them again. It has helped me on so many levels. It’s become a manual for my friends and family. Almost like a “how to” in dealing with Todd and I. When people approach me now that have read them, I don’t feel the need to explain how we are doing. They just know. You have no idea what a great feeling that is when you are going through something like this. To be gotten, to be understood by people who love you but can not relate with their own personal experience. When my friend lost her baby, I remember thinking how terrible it was. I thought of her going to his funeral. I had no idea about all the other things she was going through. My circle of friends and family do know. They look at us and have a small insight into our grief and you can feel them grieving with us. You can also feel them rooting us on. They want our story to have a happy ending. Looking back now, I know Nash had a hand in it. He had to have. It was helping me, it was helping his dad, it was helping his family, it was helping others. That’s the kind of person I know he would have been.