The funeral

I dreaded the morning of the funeral more than any other day. I had that almost happy feeling I always did that I could go see him. This morning however, I knew it would be for the last time. How do you do that? How do you look at your baby, this wonderful soul that has changed your life for the better in so many ways…and say goodbye? I could still see him smiling so vividly when he would awake in the morning. I could still hear that funny laugh of his. I could still see him walking around in our kitchen in his toy car. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Everyday I would wake up and think…maybe it was a dream. I would hear all my family downstairs and I knew it wasn’t. I went outside to the front porch and I prayed. I sobbed and said God if you could just erase this, if you could just rewind this somehow, I won’t tell anyone. Then I just closed my eyes and waited…nothing.

We arrived at the funeral home. I told Roger after everything was done I wanted to hold Nash one more time and he said that would be fine. We walked in. Some of my friends and family were there. We were lucky enough to have someone Todd grew up with do our service. Wes runs his own church here in Fenton. Todd’s cousin Jacob would speak as well. Wes asked us to come back to a room and speak with him. As I walked down the hall my besties were standing there. I hugged them all. When I got to Jessie I held her just a bit longer, like I was trying to draw some strength from her, and into the room we went. It just so happened to be the room with all of the balloons. So here we were explaining our Nash in a room filled with hundreds of balloons to Wes so that he could better understand how special Nash was before he went out and talked on our behalf. When we were done I needed to go see Nash. I told him this was the last day he had to go through this and gave him a kiss on his forehead. As I walked back to my seat completely unaware people were already seated, I looked around. I could tell people had a hard time seeing me up there kissing him. It broke their heart and I could feel that. The room was filled with friends I hadn’t seen In years. Family from both our sides that flew in from out of state. Our coworkers. It was heart warming to see everyone who loved us. Who loved Nash either because they met him or loved him even though they had never met him simply because they loved us.

I truly did not believe I was going to be comforted in any way. No one could say anything to make sense of this. Wes was amazing though, and I felt some level of comfort when it was all done. I felt sorry for him. When you are talking, especially about religion and god, you are never going to please everyone. Someone is not going to like what you have to say. He had told us when we were in the room of balloons that he was only speaking to us, to try and bring us comfort. He said if other people get some comfort then that is wonderful but I will just be talking to the two of you. He started off the service with “let’s just address the elephant in the room. Why did this happen” he proceeded to say he didn’t know the answer, he didn’t know God’s plan. He started explaining how he was given a pass at the airport one day and he didn’t have to go through security like everyone else. How much he loved that he didn’t have to take off his shoes, have his bag checked, etc. He said what if Nash got a pass? God said you are too special. I’m going to take you now so you don’t have to go through the hardships of life. He proceeded to say how hard life was. Nash would never know financial strain, he would never be picked on, he would never be bullied, he would never stand at his parents funeral. He said I don’t know if this is what happened, but what if it is? He said he believed our story is written out ahead of time. That God knows how much time we have on earth at the beginning of our days. Nash had five months. He spent them with people who loved him beyond all imagination. I couldn’t believe it. He was actually bringing me some comfort. People would later tell me they didn’t agree with all the things he said. One last funeral etiquette I will pass on. Never tell the parents you didn’t like or agree with the service. Of course there are always going to be people who don’t. However that piece of information you can hold onto. For the most part, and by saying that I mean all but a handful of people, loved the service. I have people who approach me to this day and say how much comfort he brought them. Todd’s cousin Jacob talked as well. Telling stories of when they were kids and the wonderful family we are blessed to have help see us through. Then they played “Mirrors,” “Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys,” and ended with “What a Wonderful World”. As people walked out they walked by the casket and us, I wanted people to stop and touch him. I don’t know why. So many people just walked by and I would have honestly 100% hands down have done the same thing. But I felt bad for Nash, I wanted people to touch him and tell him they loved him. One thing that haunts me to this day is the men. I have probably seen a handful of men cry in my day. I have now seen hundreds. Men, the ones who are suppose to be the strongest, walking by his casket sobbing. It was heartbreaking. I think men are so use to solving situations. They are what I call fixers. This was something they couldn’t fix and you could tell it was excruciatingly painful for them. When all was done Todd and I walked outside, last, hand in hand. Everyone was holding balloons and someone handed us ours. Seeing all this I could barely stand. I have no words to describe that moment. People are usually holding balloons and smiling. Now I looked in front of me. Everyone we love holding a balloon, tears in their eyes. Somber faces. It was cloudy, we had worried all day it may rain and we wouldn’t be able to release the balloons. Wes grabbed a balloon and headed to the middle of the crowd and said, “On angels wings”. As we released the balloons the clouds parted and the sun came through. I held on to Todd as tight as I could. It was beautiful, but I knew there was one last thing to do. It was time to go back in and say one last goodbye to the love of our lives.








2 thoughts on “The funeral

  1. I feel like I’m reading my own story in so many of your entries. We lost our baby boy at 4 months and 4 days. He was at daycare. It’s bizarre that I can relive that day so vividly, yet so much of my life I’ve forgotten. It’ll be 7 years since he passed on August 1. I am always extra weepy and edgy this time of year. Just know that my heart goes out to you, and I appreciate your honest words. Hugs, Emily


  2. I don’t know you, but grew up in Fenton and was friends with Becca and Caroline when we were kids. We probably are acquainted with many of the same people. I also know Wes and what an awesome man of God he is and am sure everything he said when speaking at Nash’s funeral was straight from his heart.

    I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts on how it felt when people spoke with you and said things we have probably all said thinking it would somehow help. I know I am guilty of those things, and hope that I will remember your advice in the future.

    Thank you for sharing your story.


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