Cremation or burial

A question I had thought of for myself but never for Nash. The thought alone can physically make me sick. How do you decide such a thing? The funeral home needed to know. Todd and I talked. At first we didn’t agree. Oh no, is this going to be the first of many things we think differently about that will one day drive us apart? Todd wanted a burial. Some place to visit when he wanted to be alone with him. I thought…No!!! He is a baby, he has never been alone. What if there is a thunderstorm? What about night time for that matter? I wanted cremation. He would be with us. Todd thought….No!!! I don’t want to burn our baby. It’s strange, even though we knew he was gone we were still are afraid he may be hurt or scared. I guess a parent’s need to protect their child doesn’t stop even after they are gone. Todd wanted to see him again. I was afraid like at so many funerals before, I would not see the person I love, I would see something else and that’s the memory I would have of him. Becca interrupted. I could see she had something to say that was going to hurt. She said ” I need an outfit for him, the funeral home wants it.” I went upstairs and grabbed his shirt that said adorable baby on it and his camo bibs. I brought them downstairs. I lost it…smelling them, crying, trying to hand them to Tricia. I just started saying…”He didn’t do anything wrong, he didn’t deserve this…we tried so hard for him. We loved him so much.” I looked up for the first time and saw my ten-year-old nephew Chase looking at the floor…trying to wipe away his tears. Trying to be strong for me. I felt horrible for losing control in front of him. We have always been so close and he has never seen me do anything less than smile. The next day we were to go to the funeral home and make arrangements. I longed to be in the same building as Nash. I dreaded tomorrow and looked forward to it all at the same. That is where Todd and I would make our decision.20140709-114358-42238329.jpg

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3 thoughts on “Cremation or burial

  1. I don’t know if you know who I am but I was married to Rick Ruse. I just wanted to tell you I am EXTREMELY sorry for the loss of your precious little one. My sister lost and son at 2 years old and my niece lost a son at 3 months old and I know it takes alot of courage for you to just put it out there for everyone to read likeyou are doing. I look everyday to see if you have posted any more and the whole time I am reading I am crying. You really should be a writer. I am hopeful that this helps you cope. I think I have met you one time at sportsmans and I think you are truly a great person. Keep your head up high and know that Nash is with you both everyday. Also, if you need anything let me know. My number is 9894869262. Good luck with everything you do. Heather

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  2. We were at Sagebrush tonight when Alli told us you wanted to spread a little happiness and buy us dinner. It was sad to hear about Nash and I know nothing I say will make it easier for you, but I do want to say thank you. It was very kind of you and I promise to pay it forward.

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  3. Heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your baby Nash. From one babyloss mom to another, my heart aches for you guys. We lost our first born child, son, Aidyn, three years ago, Sept. 5. We will lift you up in prayer. Feel free to contact me if you would like. Hugs!

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