Going home

We decided in the hospital parking lot to head to my in-laws’ house. It’s always been where everyone gathers for holidays, birthday parties, or just to hang out. I thought it was a great idea. I didn’t want to face our home yet and see all of Nash’s toys. When we got there, my friends Shawn and Julie were waiting. Cars just started pulling in; aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. I wasn’t surprised. Both Todd’s family and mine traveled in flocks; both were extremely close. None of them were going to let us go through this alone. I was standing outside in the driveway with some of the family and then I heard it. Not a normal cry – a loud, wounded, whimper. There were Becca’s girls. Three of our nieces. The two oldest were visibly uncomfortable. They didn’t know what to say. They gave me a hug. The 7-year-old Chandler was the one sobbing. Not quite old enough to fake anything yet or feel awkward. All she knew to do was feel what she felt. I scooped her up in my arms and carried her away from the crowd. She just hugged me and cried louder. Chandler is like a second child to us. She stays at our house almost every weekend. She loves sleeping in bed with Todd and I. She has woken up, like me, numerous times to that Nashy smile. She helped me dress him. Stood over while I had given him baths. Loved making him laugh. She not only lost a cousin, but also a little brother. Becca tried to take her, thinking I didn’t need her crying on me when I felt awful myself. I wanted her though; it felt good to hold a child and comfort her the best I could. My arms didn’t feel empty. Todd scooped her up and I could tell he felt the same way.
I walked back into the house and sat down. I realized right away I wanted to go home. I wanted to be where Nash lived. I wanted to be by his things. I wanted to crawl in bed and possibly never get out.

Our family let us go first. They gave us twenty minutes to ourselves before they came over. When we walked in to our house, there were dirty bottles on the table. I saw his car he loved to play in, his saucer that I was suppose to adjust when I got home from work. I walked upstairs as fast as I could. I wanted to be in the nursery. I have never been so mad that I kept up on laundry. He had no dirty clothes. Just one blanket in the crib he slept with the night before. I lost it. Seeing his crib, the dresser I had refinished to use as dresser/changing table. His rocker. The wall decal Todd had put on the wall when I was pregnant.  It said “Owl always love you” and had a totally different meaning now. I just started grabbing every toy and blanket. I wanted to smell everything, searching for some trace of him. I finally grabbed his blanket, sat down in the rocker and continued to cry. Todd was trying to be strong for me. Rubbing my leg, trying not to cry. This would be the first of many times I looked at him and told myself to snap out of it, he is hurting too.

I took a shower and then climbed into bed. I had no intention of ever leaving. I snuggled up to the spot in the bed where Nash always slept. I smelled it of course, grabbed his blanket and started crying again. I talked to him like he was there. I remember saying “Oh my handsome boy, I’m going to miss you.”

Todd came upstairs to check on me. He had something in his hand. It was the shirt he had bought for Nash just days before. The one the doctor had cut off to do CPR. Todd said, “I grabbed it off the bed at the hospital.” He still sleeps with that shirt every night. My girlfriends started coming upstairs; now Jessie was here too. My three besties. They didn’t know what to say and didn’t try to. They just cried with me. I could hear that there was a ton of family and friends downstairs. Todd came upstairs again to check on me. Eventually, everyone started leaving. I’m sure they thought we wanted to be alone and that they should let us try to get some sleep. It was the only night we were left alone for a week and it was awful! Alone with our thoughts; short one person. It was so quiet. I missed the noise of the people downstairs.

Todd went outside to smoke before he came to bed. He was gone a long time so I went to check on him. There I saw him, sitting silently in a chair with tears streaming down his face. He was listening to his and Nash’s song on his phone, “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake, and looking at pictures; he could barely speak. He would just replay the song over and over again, flipping through pictures and struggling to see through his tears. I had never seen him cry before and I learned quickly that I felt the same way he did when he saw me cry. It was just to much to take. To much to wrap our brains around…Ididn’t recognize these broken people. We would never again be the same happy people we were the night before.20140708-083614-30974090.jpg

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11 thoughts on “Going home

  1. Thoughts and prayers always with you. Thank you for sharing these moments with us…One day I hope they will be the key to patching a broken heart.

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  2. I am so sorry for what you guys are going through … I couldn’t imagine the pain you feel. I no longer live in michigan. But, if you two ever need to get away from home … You are always welcome in my home. I will be moving to California on aug, 2 . I love to see faces from home . Even though we’re not the closest friends I’ll welcome you with open arms and show you San Diego;) love you shell! And Todd I don’t know you but if Shelly loves you … You must be an alright guy;) stay strong…. -kiki

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  3. My heart breaks for you Shelly & Todd !! I am so sorry you have to face something so tragic .Being a mother myself I know the love you feel and the loss is unimaginable. My endless thoughts and prayers are with all of you. These stories are very touching and I pray god gives you & Todd the strength you need to keep going. You are a beautiful person & may god look over you both and keep you strong.

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  4. Sending Prayers of comfort and healing to you both, may God wrap his arms around you to help you get through. Thank you for sharing your story, it breaks my heart, I can’t imagine the loss you are feeling. I don’t know you or your husband, but I know your besties – Shawn & Jess – they are awesome girls. I am glad you have them and family to help you both. God Bless you!

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  5. i do not know you but i hurt from this.. my lil man actually all four of my children mean the world to me…i hope u one day find comfort. Nash knows you loved him i feel that in the things u write. God needed this angel for what ever reason. Your baby is watching over you. Let his love pour down over you. Ive never lost a child n i cant even imagine your pain but a babies love no matter if on earth or in heaven is pure n unending..r.i.p. sweet Nash.

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  6. I don’t know you or your family but my heart breaks for you while I read these posts. You are an amazing, loving mother. Sending lots of prayers.

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  7. I’m reading these entries through sobs. I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring. As a mom of 3, I put myself in your shoes and wonder “what would I do if I lost one of my babies?”
    I know it might not seem like it right now, but God is right there with you. Holding you. Loving you. Cling to Him. Don’t let go of Him. He will carry you through this.
    I cannot think of any words that adequately express how sorry I am for your loss. I am praying for you and your family. I’m praying. . .

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  8. Hello, my name is Lauren Conner, we dont know one another but I have been frantically reading your story for the last 45 minutes and couldnt get to the end fast enough, wishing it would turn out differently. I wanted to share my story with you and also my deepest sympathy and regret for you and you husband, The love you share for eachother and for Nash is amazing to hear. It is so often these days that mothers and fathers take advantage of what little time they get to share with their little ones. As both working parents, i was impressed at the love and devotion you had for your child. I am 23 years old and have been trying to get pregnant for 2 1/2 years. My husband and I got pregnant on accident for the first time early 2012 and that is where our story began. I was 6 weeks pregnant when we found out and couldnt have been happier. My entire life all i ever wanted to do was be a mother, i come from a large tight-knit family and couldnt wait to have one of my own. My husband comes from a loving but rough background and I was always very excited to show him what true love was! We started planning and buying, we talked about the type of parents we would be and how we should raise our little ones. We went to every doctors appt and eagerly awaited that 9 months to be over with, At 13 weeks exactly, we were celebrating being out of the danger zone finally when I decided to take a luke warm bath and relax after a long couple of months.. it was now time to enjoy my pregnancy and know that our child was safe. It was after the bath, that changed our lives. I got out earlier than i wanted because i had to pee, the weirdest little signs from God, and when i wiped i noticed a pink spot of blood. It was so small I thought I was imagining it, but off to the hospital we went. Well long story short, when we got the ultrasound results back there was no fetal heartbeat and we collapsed. No heartbeat? So we cant fix it? All i could think was, what now? My poor husband doesnt do the whole crying thing, but he did that night. After a long night, we went home bc my niece and nephew were going to be at my house at 6am and it was already 4:30. I woke up to cards, flowers, my husband, David, had hid all of the baby stuff in hopes to save me the heartbreak and a world shattering realization.. our baby was dead. Well after that, I lost it, trying to get pregnant all of the time, i needed that void filled and the only thing that was going to do that was a baby. I pulled away from David, and then would only want him, i was an emotional roller coaster and I didnt know what to do, how to fix it, or how to stop it.. All I knew was it had to be fixed… Little did I realize at that time was, ONLY God can fix things like that, because only God can understand them, Since 2012 I have had 7 more miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. During my ectopic, my Fallopian Tube actually burst and I was rushed into emergency surgery coming very close to death. That was when David finally said to me, “Youre getting on birth control, this is enough babe, i understand you want the baby to be alive again but we are lowering your chances with every passing miscarriage, and I cant watch you go thru this anymore”. I refused to go on the birth control because my doctors said it could lower my chances in the future, and so I continued to get pregnant. They did every test possible on me and everything came back completely normal… THEN WHAT WAS HAPPENING? I would ask God every night, and never any response, I started to lose my faith and then all of a sudden I stopped getting pregnant for like 5 months, I couldnt imagine why, but it was kind of nice to have a break from such an emotional thing, Well what to come was God’s plan all along, He just gave my body some time to heal before. We were moving into our new house on this past Mothers Day, when i noticed my implantation spotting. I ran and got a test, and I was pregnant! What, no way, after all this time? Why? Well Happy Mothers Day to me. I went to the doctors right away and they ran one more test that the lab had forgotten to draw on accident, was a coincidence right? Not so much, only a greater plan we did not yet understand, Well it was a test to see if my blood clotted too much, and caused me to have blood clots. They started me on one baby aspirin per day just in case and we waited for the results. 2 weeks went by and the nurse called confirming my test was positive and I needed to see a high risk doctor. I was started on Lovenox 40mg injections, that I have to administer myself everyday to keep my blood from overly clotting, What had been happening was the umbilical cord and placenta would clot too much, cutting off all oxygen/blood flow to the baby! Putting me on the baby aspirin saved the babys life because it was thinning my blood! I am now 12 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a baby girl! I guess what Im trying to tell you in all of this is that, it never feels like things will get better, we try and fix things we cannot fix, we just simply do not have the power to do so, Nash was put on this earth for some reason, and you may never know, or maybe all in Gods time you will. Tragedies and miracles happen everyday and as hard as it may feel right now, you will get thru this, and Nash will be by your side every step. I am truly sorry for your loss, but know that there is a greater purpose here then an innocent baby being taken from wonderful parents. You and Nash are the workings of something much more, and I hope in time you can find peace within yourselves, each other, and in your loss. Best of luck to you, and GOD BLESS YOU.

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  9. Hi my name is Michelle I work at vgs with Peggy I am so very sorry for your loss, reading your blog has really opened my eyes to the grief your family is dealing with I’ve had a lot of loss in my family my older brother, my uncle who raised me ,and most recently my father but I could never imagine the loss of my child I pray for strength for u and your family thank u for sharing your story with us.

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  10. Your story is very amazing, I feel your hurt it not easy losing mom ,dad ,aunt, and a uncle, but to lose your child is the hardest thing that can happen, My daughter has lost her 8 day old daughter just in Sept 2014, there is nothing you can say or know how you feel until you lost a child of your own, I don’t understand why this happens to great people and my daughter asked my grandmother (preacher) why did God take my baby and grandma said to her (Becky) he didn’t take her he held his arm wide open for her
    to be another Angel in Heaven.

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